Gibberish

Growing Up

2012-01-30T01:40:00.004-05:00

What if I don't want to?

Is it so bad that I enjoy being somewhat child-like? I assume that it isn't. Yet there is a time and place for maturity.

Thus, the college experience comes to a close and the "real world" looms on the horizon like an angry bee hive. There're swarms of people everywhere looking for jobs. As I search from day to day, a job that might have been perfect for me flies past at an alarming speed. How am I to apply for jobs when I have the odd hours only as my free time?

It's a hard experience, growing up. When I was a kid all I wanted to do was grow up and be an adult, live like an adult, talk like an adult. And now that I've reached it all I want to do is be a kid, live like a kid, talk like a kid, believe like a kid. As a child, I was able to believe in things more easily. My imagination could run rampant and that was okay - I was a child.

But now that I'm a learned individual (or so I hope after four years of college), my imagination must be tamed and put into a cage. It's only allowed out on the rainy days, when I have time.

Yet even as this is told to me, even as I'm instructed that this is what grown ups do, I rebel. My imagination doesn't stay in its cage. In fact, I removed the cage all together. It now walks beside me and at any moment it pounces on something completely innocent and says, "Look at what I have! Look at what we can do!"

And I follow where my imagination takes me. Why? Because I like where my imagination takes me. I like the places I explore and grow in and can create. I like the fact that when I close my eyes and think, I don't just see blackness. I see a myriad of colors and lives and plants and things and people. I see worlds yet to be explored. I see characters yet to live.

Even as I write this, I want to abandon reason, stay up all night, and write a book.

But I have classes in the later morning where I need to be at the very least, a little focused. Oh how classes take the fun out of being a learner. It's been great for my brain, I suppose, to learn all of this stuff. But it's been horrible for my education. I believe Einstein said that the only thing that hindered his education was school. I may be wrong on that quote, in fact I probably am.

There are a great many things I wish to learn. None of which can be taught in a classroom. At least, not a contemporary one. I want to learn how to write a ground breaking novel. I want to learn how to publish it and create a cover and decide how the wording should be and craft truly unique and good stories. I want to learn about mythology and legends and expound upon them. I want to delve into the deep and then fly into the sky.

Instead, I'll go to my Calculus class that is required for me to graduate to ensure that my brain is worked in a variety of ways. That way we'll know I'm a rounded individual.

And when I'm handed my diploma, I will smile with the knowledge that the easy part is over. The difficult part of the journey has only just begun.

Oh, and P.S. - I finished my third book in under two months. That makes two books in under six. That's 200,000+ words. I feel fairly accomplished.

Currently Editing: End Game: Genesis (Chapter Nine)
Currently Reading: The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring & How to Write Science Fiction and Fantasy
Currently Listening to: "The Vikings Have Their Tea" from How to Train Your Dragon

Battle Writing

2011-12-09T01:31:00.006-05:00

Kids, if anyone ever tells you that writing a book is easy. Smack them.

Especially if the book your writing is part of a series and even more so if you're placing it within a fantasy world of your own making. Also, learn from my mistakes: don't write such a story and then make up your own races and then on top of that create 30+ characters to live within that world that you know you'll be interacting with on more than just a 1 page basis.

What brings this on? I'm into my third book, probably a little over half-way done writing it, and I'm in a battle scene. Normally these are really fun for me. Battle scenes are where most of the images in my head come from. But this one is really difficult, and I kind of always knew it would be, I just never wanted to admit it.

I've got around 25 of the 30+ characters I've created in this battle, and that's what's making it so difficult. See?

That's everything that I have open on my computer as I write a battle scene for this current situation. Most of what's open right now are word documents. I even created a whole word document that analyzes where my characters are and has a table to allow me the ability to strike through everyone that we've seen so far in the battle. You see, the problem with only mentioning two of them throughout the whole ordeal makes it sound like it was only two people involved in the battle. That doesn't make it believable when you've got over 20 characters running around in said fight.

Writing is a task that takes hours of blood, sweat and tears. Anyone who tells you it's an easy process has never actually attempted it or is in denial. Even more so when you take into account the kind of world we live in today.

I could, if I wanted to, self-publish my book right now. I won't, because there's a lot left to edit before I even pursue publishing. But because anyone who ever sits down and decides to open a word document and write a 100 page story can post their book online and sell it for whatever they want. Because of that, we run the risk of people uploading crap that is still on its first draft sitting out on the internet for unknowing buyers to fill their libraries with.

There's a very real risk for lots and lots of bad writing to get out into the world. Now, in theory, only the good stuff will become popular. But that just isn't the case anymore. If enough hype is brought up around a series (or even one book), it can mean little to nothing if the story is well constructed or the writer in question can spell or properly construct a sentence.

Anyway, I'm going to go back to writing for a smigin before I call it a night/morning. I've got my last day of classes tomorrow and I need to be somewhat coherent. I do have a presentation in my Ceramics class first thing in the morning.

Currently Writing: End Game: Trinity (Chapter Eighteen)
Currently Reading: The Time Traveler's Wife
Currently Listening to: "Enigmatic Soul" by Two Steps From Hell

I Really am Bad About These Things...

2011-11-26T23:03:00.003-05:00

Oh Blog posts, why do I forget about you? Possibly because I don't have any regular followers.

Anyway, 23 days after I embarked on the 50,000 word goal in the month of November and I flew right past it. However with the first of three direct holidays hitting me, I wound up not touching my book for 5 days (AAAAAHHHHH). I kind of think I'm going a little crazy for not having written. I left my characters high and dry in a not-so-great time, so it keeps coming to mind and I really want to get them out of there. Once I get back to school I'll hopefully have some more time.

So yes, I am a 2011 NaNoWriMo winner! Yeehaa! I knew that there was the potential to achieve the goal, but I wasn't 100% sure I would have the time necessary to get to where I wanted to be. And in reality, I wanted to be at a completed book by the end of November. Now, if I don't sleep, it's still a possibility. Will it actually happen? Probably not. Finals will be on top of me before I know it and I'd rather not die in the homestretch.

For now, I'm getting myself ready for bed. I won't get there till sometime in the early morning just because I need to pack up my things before I head up to my brother and sister's house for a second Thanksgiving and some tree hunting. It promises to be a good day tomorrow, just long with my 5 hours of driving to get back to school. Thankfully Jon & Mallory live in the direction of Houghton.

Good night, dear bloggers.

Currently Listening to: "The Time Has Come"
Currently Writing: End Game: Trinity (Chapter 17)
Currently Reading: Spook: Science Tackles the Afterlife

NaNoWriMo

2011-11-01T02:17:00.003-04:00

So I've done it. I've signed up to be part of National Novel Writing Month. The goal: to write my third book in the next month. Who thinks I can do it?

Well, considering the fact that I wrote the second book in under two months, I think it's entirely possible to achieve. At least, that's what I'm hoping for. I've already finished the first chapter & prologue, so I'm off to a good start. Hopefully I can keep it up. I know for the weekends it'll be rough, because I tend to have next to no work ethic on weekends. Maybe this will get my butt in gear.

Thankfully my second short story for class is already done and turned in, I just need to edit it. The editing shouldn't take too long. I got a lot of good feedback from my fellow classmates, so I think the rewrite will go fairly smoothly. That means that my nightly routine might be entirely achievable. The girls in my flat tend to go to bed around 11 or 12, and if I can write between the hours of 12 and 3 on most nights (or 12 and 1 on others), I can get a solid 6 hours of sleep and still be functioning for classes.

That's doable, right?

In other news, I'm looking for a job in the publishing industry. I've found lots of openings that I think I could easily fill, but the problem I have is that I won't be available to work until mid August. I know I could start working in May, but then I probably wouldn't be able to attend the four weddings I want to go to this summer. Drat on all my friends deciding to get married this summer!

But I guess that's what happens when people are in love. We're just waiting on one more ring, and then officially four of them are engaged. It's that time of life, I guess, when lots of good things are happening to everyone.

Oh, to all out there! Keep my very good friend Alaina Bargar in your prayers. She's embarking on finding a House to publish her book. It's uber exciting, but also slightly intimidating. We're praying that God takes her in the direction she needs to go and that everything works to His will.

Okay, I'm gonna go to bed. I need to be up at 9 so I can be ready to go to class. And then I'm running my car to the autobody shop so he can have his passenger front door looked at. Hopefully it's just the insulation getting knocked out of whack. I'm crossing my fingers.

Currently Listening to: "Breathe" by Superchic[k]
Currently Writing: End Game: Trinity; chapter two
Currently Reading: Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring

Halfway There

2011-10-24T00:36:00.004-04:00

I'm so not good with this blog. But I suppose that's okay, seeing as no one, at the present moment, reads this.

In the past two and a half months a lot has happened. I've discovered that I had writer's block with book three of my series (shocker!), I have four weddings to go to this summer and only two of them are in the same month, the car I currently drive might not remain my car, my brother trusts me with his son for a whole day, my sister is spending her semester in Philly and I am definitely not a city person, and I can work really well with clay if I give myself time. There's plenty more I'm sure, but that's all that's coming to mind at the moment.

Really I just felt that it was about time to update this. So here I am, updating.

Writing a series is hard. Y'know, I always thought that it would just fly from me. Images would become words and those words would suddenly become a book. Just like magic. And then I started to try to write and that didn't happen. I had these idealistic thoughts that somehow this would be easy.

Boy was I wrong.

I haven't had writer's block since the first book. Not that it was that long ago. Well...maybe it was. Let me think. I wrote my first book back when I was a freshman in college, back at BCCC. I think it was my sophomore year when I was actually done with the draft - that Christmas. So it's been three years since I wrote a novel. And I've spent three years thinking through everything. And that was evident in book two. Things just flowed perfectly from my brain to the computer. I don't know how that happened.

Anyway, so I'm kind of stumped. National Novel Writing Month (NANOWRIMO), is coming up in November. In a perfect world - at least if it's God's will - I'll write the skeleton draft of my third book in that month. That would require me to stick to the 'write a chapter a night' routine. Is that possible? I guess I have some praying to do.

For now, I'll just keep plugging away and listening for what God has to say. His plans are first and foremost. Whatever I think is irrelevant if He's got something bigger and better planned. That's one of the nice things about a Heavenly Father who desires to do good for me. I'm such a lucky Daughter.

And We're Off

2011-09-08T23:21:00.000-04:00

And thus we start another year at Houghton College. One more year, and I'll have a college degree. How scary is that? A part of me is rather glad it's almost over. It's frustrating for me to say, but school and I don't get along. I want to enjoy it, but instead we always seem to butt heads. However, this semester has the potential to be a good one.

For those that read this blog, I had a fairly eventful summer. My friend Shelly Manhart is now Shelly Carlson and I keep getting that wrong. I visited my forever friend Dana in northern New York for a long weekend. I took two online classes to keep my brain going over the summer because I tend to turn it off once finals are done. I also went down to Memphis to work with my brother to catch up his computer work for two weeks. It was a lucrative two weeks, but it was also rather boring. Granted, I'm not complaining.

Above all, I finished my second book. In two months, with a fire under my butt lit by God, I completed the first draft of my second book in my five book series. It's invigorating to know that I am capable of writing a 100,000+ word book in less than two months. I had been dragging my feet for so long that I didn't think I was able to actually do something like that. And yet here I am, printing out copies for my Houghton friends.

I feel blessed, really, to know that God is helping me through these hard times I go through. You know, last year really sucked and was among the hardest years I've ever gone through. But we all survived, some stronger and others better, but we survived. And this year has such a great feeling to it. We're only in the second week, but it feels so much like home already. Last year things felt insane within the first day. Now we're in week two and it's flown by.

Fumbling through my massive (or diminutive depending on who you're comparing me to), music library, I stumbled upon the band Fireflight. If you've never heard of them, go look them up. I'm on a kick from their music. I've got 2 1/2 of their albums and keep listening to the same songs over and over again. It truly amazes me how God uses so many different people to motivate, encourage and Shepard people to Him. Songs that reach the soul, poetry that moves the mind, and writing that can engage the spirit. The more I meet people and see their gifts and talents exposed, the more truly astounded I find myself at God's amazing power. Life gets hard sometimes, but at the end of the day, He's standing next to us, holding our hands. A gentle breeze reminds me, "He's here."

Well, I'm gonna head off and try to write a paper that isn't due for a week. I'd prefer to get ahead of my work this semester.

"I can hear you say, 'It's a brand new day.' The pain goes away and I'm headed for the door. And I'm going home."

Another Blog?

2011-06-25T01:59:00.003-04:00

I've started another blog which is completely unrelated to this one. Upon my mom's encouragement, I've decided to start a blog about basic information regarding computers and their functions, uses, and attributes.

http://for-your-convenience.blogspot.com/

Feel free to go check it out. I'll be updating it as often as possible. I'm going to go round up pictures to go along with the first post now.

Also in my life, I'm working for my dad as his assistant, making dinner & cleaning the house, weeding every flower patch and garden around our homestead, and somewhere in there, trying to write a book. What happened to summer vacation and relaxing? Well, in today's day and age...it doesn't really exist.

You'll have to excuse me while I go attempt to work for an hour before calling it quits, waking up at 9 tomorrow, and then doing this all over again.

At the moment, I'm 3 chapters into my second book. The goal: a rough draft of the second book by the end of the summer. Doable? I think so.

Hearing

2011-06-08T01:26:00.002-04:00

It's funny how God talks to us.

At the beginning of this school year, I felt pretty 'tight' with God. I went on nightly walks for an hour and just talked to Him. Out loud, unashamed of the fact that, physically I was talking to the air, but spiritually I was talking to my Father. Then the semester took hold and winter hit and it got cold outside. And then Spring semester came and I worried more about grades than I did my quality time with God.

Now here I sit, back at step 1 where picking up the Bible to read for even five minutes is a chore again. I'm frustrated with myself for having fallen into the trap that so easily offers an excuse. Time. It's something I hate and yet, I can do nothing for the time that has passed. Here on out, I can only change the here and now, hoping for a brighter future.

I was perusing friend's pages on Facebook and came across an old friend's page. For kicks and giggles, I decided to check out his tumblr (the more I search the web, the more I think I need a tumblr). Three entries long, I found myself captivated by the depth with which he wrote. The more I read, the more I felt like I understood exactly where he was coming from. He was merely putting it into words that I had never thought to formulate.

And then, somewhere around his third entry, I felt a soft nudge on my heart.

I was being confronted in a point-blank manner to accept that I cannot do anything to change the world, let alone the people that inhabit it. There was a necessary acceptance of the fact that my desire to change the world was actually getting in my way. I had to let God change people, not think that I could change people.

For about a year now, I've had this crazy notion floating around in my head that what I was writing were my books. And then at some point, I thought that wasn't right, and instead they were God's books. But I so easily slip back into the notion that somehow, I have come up with this vast insanity that in some way, might resemble a reasonable plot for a story.

How easily I fall.

I tend to get this absurd thought in my head that, "I'm good enough for now". Not that I don't need to grow. No, it's worse than that. It's more that I think that with my age, with my spiritual maturity, I am on a good foundation in comparison to other believers my age. I place myself above others, thinking that I'm somehow on a better foundation than they are.

I negate my own thinking just by thinking it. Pride riddles away at that foundation and before I know it, I'm back on the cold ground while the other 'lesser' individuals I thought myself so much better than are higher up, looking down at me saying, "What are you doing down there?"

All I can reply is, "I don't know."

Am I willing to be nothing? Honestly? No. I never have been. It's why it grates so harshly against me. I desire to be noticed, to be seen. Reality always shows me the opposite, but I still keep kicking my feet and hammering the ground with my arms in an attempt that someone might ask what's wrong. Worse than my impromptu temper tantrums are the times when I do something and instantly wish to be recognized for it.

How prideful am I?

All of these years I thought "I've got that whole pride thing down. I'm perfectly fine being the last one there, last one picked, least among the best, etc., etc., etc." It's merely through this new lens that I suddenly realize that pride is actually a rather large demon of mine. I just always thought that I was better than that.

I claim that I'm not here for me, I'm here on Earth for God. I avoid temptation as best I can, I say my prayers every day, etc. But somewhere inside of me, I still harbor those good things I do and stock them up. As if God is tallying me against others. Why do I care about the tally? Why do I care how much I may or may not have done?

For the past few months, I've thought that either God is being silent, or I'm not listening properly. I think that tonight (or this morning. I guess it's morning), I've realized I probably wasn't listening properly.

We all lose our way sometimes. I just need to learn to accept those stumbles as opportunities to learn how to make myself a better individual and a better Child of God.

Future World

2011-06-07T16:26:00.003-04:00

Today I got the opportunity to speak with the writer Jeffrey Overstreet in my Writing About Film class. If you don't know anything about him, here's quick snippit: he's written a fantasy book series called Auralia's Colors and is well known within the film world as a Christian film critic. His book Through a Screen Darkly is essentially my textbook for class. It's been really intriguing to see him comment on movies from a Christian viewpoint, but not to the extreme conservative that most Christians tend to 'review' movies.

As he spoke about his film reviews or answered my questions about book writing, I felt within me the same feeling of 'home' as I did when I was at the Writer's Conference last summer. Talking with other authors, agents and editors and sharing experiences and discussing books is something I've missed. I didn't realize it until this morning, but I have missed that world. That future world I hope and pray I will one day belong to.

One of the questions I had asked Mr. Overstreet (it sounds so formal, but I don't feel right calling him "Jeff"), was how hard it was for him to construct his fantasy book series. It's something I've been struggling with personally - trying to create the world I'm writing about, yet feeling as though I'm missing something vital that most authors seem to understand. I've found that I feel inadequate at times to write the book series I'm writing. As though I'm under-qualified for such a task.

However Mr. Overstreet's response helped to put me at ease. He stated that the first draft of his novel was written in 1996, but it wasn't published until 2006. 10 years. Is that normal? 10 years seems to the be the magic time limit. He continued to say that he had started out with a 70 page short story, and it progressed into a 4 book long series. That change had occurred through he and his friends asking questions about the characters, the plot, the setting, etc.

So I'm not on the wrong path?

It always seems as though I am. From my limited perspective, it looks as though I'm wandering around, waiting for something to occur. Some magic bolt of lightning to strike my brain to change everything. But what if there is no bolt of lightning required? What if I merely need to keep plodding along until something within the story changes?

I see a major difference between my experience and Mr. Overstreet's. He had friends asking questions. Inversely, I stand alone. My brother occasionally will approach me with a question or a comment, but those times are few and far between. And now that he's down in Tennessee for the summer, well...that means that the island I stand on is drifting farther away from other people.

Perhaps it's my own doing. Perhaps it's not. Maybe I just need to be patient. For some reason, I always think that I've got patience down to an art. Silly me. Patience is something that I can do well in some instances. But when it comes to my books, I find that I am so impatient I may as well be throwing a tempter tantrum at God. Yet He stills waits for me to calm down and then tells me that everything's going to be okay.

I'm going to be okay.

Oh, and if anyone out there happens to know of a job I can have over the summer, I would greatly appreciate it. Apparently I'm inept at having one. I know God provides and all, but with my dad breathing down my neck about a job, it seems as though I might get killed if I don't find something.

Patience and trust. Oh how often I stumble.

For now, here's a pretty picture I found here: http://allthekngshorses.deviantart.com/favourites/43269878#/d27sjjj

EDIT*

Jeffrey Overstreet is one of my favorite people now. Why? Because he finds problems in Harry Potter that really SHOULD NOT be ignored. Children should not do things counter to what they're told (aka, break rules), and then be praised for it. I was so happy when he said that this morning.

The Wardrobe

2011-06-05T02:10:00.003-04:00

My nephew is turning one year old in two weeks - holy wow. I don't know where the past year has gone! It feels like it was such a long time ago that my mom called me at six am to explain that I had to remember the name of the hospital my brother and sister-in-law were going to be having their baby because she couldn't remember.

So for the past month or so I've been wracking my brain trying to come up with an idea for my nephew's birthday present. I went through the usual: movies, music, books, toys, clothes, etc. And then I went shopping on Amazon.com (the only place I like to shop. Today I went out with my sisters to run some errands and nearly killed myself from the insanity that was found in parking lots and stores. It's times like those where I miss the middle of nowhere), anyway, upon shopping online, I decided to look for various versions of The Chronicles of Narnia for collecting. As I was looking through the available versions, I saw a pop-up book.

I'm uber excited.

I feel like I need another Narnia fan in the household. When I mentioned that, my sister freaked out and said, "I'm a Narnia fan! I just...haven't finished reading the books." I wanted to go reread the series solely because of her confession. She'll probably watch all of the movies long before she reads the books.

So I will attempt to steer my nephew toward them. He'll probably lose interest in them as he grows up - as that seems to be the normal turn of events for most people. I'm an anomaly.

It makes me happy that I've got another person to share the month of June with in the family! For the longest time it was just me out there all by my lonesome. Mallory is really close to my birthday too, but she's a July birthday. We tended to do things together anyway - like when we went to Red Robin and got free sandwiches for our birthdays :)

So two weeks or so after my nephew's birthday I'll be turning 23. Oh gosh. That feels weird. Before I know it I'll be in my thirties. And in two years my brain matures. That's a scary thought.

I've found myself frustrated lately at my lack of work ethic when it comes to working on my books. The crazy thing is, I'll get in a car and drive for a few hours (I've been driving to Williamsport to help my brother and sister-in-law with move in stuff), and get all of these great images flying around in my head that I want to expand on. Then I get out of the car and start working on something entirely different. By the time I get to a computer, the images are gone and the drive to write has left me.

I've been going through my room since I have to move back into it next weekend and came across all of the notes, scraps, and previous copies of my first book. It all fits into a copy box, and as I set it aside against the wall, I thought, "If I don't do this soon, I'll never finish it."

That thought scared me. Mostly because that's probably true.

So am I supposed to dive into it and let it consume me? Or does God want me elsewhere? Should my attention be on my books, or somewhere else? I feel no pull in any direction, which is probably my own fault.

I get so easily distracted. Maybe I should learn to turn off the internet. Seeing as that's where most of my distractions originate from.

In other news, this summer is packed. If it's up to me, this is how it will look: my nephew's birthday, going up to Crogan, NY for my friend Dana & my birthday (we share the same day), a week down at Ocean City, my best friend Shelly's wedding, work for a month straight, head back to Houghton for my final year.

Things will finally slow down in August. And that's if I'm given the opportunity to do everything I want to do. Right now I'm struggling to find a job for the summer. My usual job seems impossible to reach regarding when I'll be available to work. And on top of that, they probably won't be too keen on giving me a lot of time off.

*Sigh* It'll be okay. I just need to trust that God's going to lead me where I need to go. And hope that where he leads me is where money is - because otherwise, my father will have my hide.

"Not all who wander are lost." - J.R.R. Tolkien

2011 Here we Come

2011-01-19T00:00:00.002-05:00

Oh boy, has 2010 already passed? Are we already a year closer to the end of the world in 2012? Does anyone actually truly believe that when 2012 hits the world will end? Or does everyone see this as a farce?

I've been looking for internships for the summer. While I've found quite a few that are incredibly promising, I find myself timid. I tell myself it's because most of these internships (if not all of them) are located in big cities - mostly in New York City. If I did land these internships, I would have to look into housing for a few months and have to actually live in these concrete worlds.

But is that an excuse?

I think I've allowed it to become one. I'm afraid of taking an internship, I think, because I think 'internship' and automatically I feel like I need to go buy new clothes that are more professional looking - skirts, dresses and poofy, frilly blouses. All things that make me cringe at the thought of wearing. In dresses I find myself feeling uncomfortable and restricted. In skirts, I feel like I'm exposed. In blouses, I feel like a clown wearing a suit that's supposed to inflate, but instead it just hangs on my body, the fabric worn out and tired - even if it is brand new.

Why does this terrify me? Because if that is the protocol of what I should be wearing to look professional, then I will be uncomfortable (granted, after months of wearing it, I might actually get used to it and deal with it), and with being physically uncomfortable, it'll make me even more likely to feel emotionally and spiritually uncomfortable.

One day, I might be taking a book to one of these houses, and as a writer, it's not quite as big a problem to look good - I mean, I'm sure it helps a lot, but at the same time, if you are caught on a bad hair day and you've already met these big corporation people, then it's not that big of a deal - it's a bad hair day. If you look like a beehive is sitting on your head and it's the first encounter...I'm sure I'd be sent to the 'discard' pile immediately.

I keep trying to remind myself that God will put me where He needs me and when He needs me. So, I work away and try to plot out an outline of what I have planned, but keep myself open to His calling and His plans for me.

Which is so much easier said than done.

Today I got the sudden inspiration to write my antagonist's life before he went bad. I know it's necessary, but I like him now. I felt nothing when I wrote about him getting hurt or something, but now I actually feel a connection with the character. Will this make it harder for me to justify hurting him? Or will I still be able to let the gunshot hit him in the arm and cause profuse bleeding?

I feel as though this entry was a long winded, not connected, rant about nothing.

Maybe it has something to do with recently watching Titan A.E. and laughing profusely at the soundtrack (or lack thereof). I find myself suddenly wanting to watch a good movie - like Inception. Perhaps in the next few days.

This weekend we've got more wedding planning in Jamestown - which promises to be fun and relaxing now that Shelly's found a place she likes for her reception.

Good night cyber space.

Resolutions: Write a skeleton draft of book two, grow closer with God, read more of the Bible, give more, ask for less.

Thanksgiving

2010-11-25T02:30:00.002-05:00

So what am I thankful for from this past 12 months? Oh, so many things.

I'm thankful for my re-dedication of my life to Christ. I'm thankful for a family that supports me in whatever I do and encourages me in the various things of life that sometimes cause me to worry. I'm thankful that my brother and sister (in law) have a healthy, lovely little boy who is teaching me a whole new kind of love I never thought I would understand. I'm thankful for the eye opening experiences I've been given just in the past six months of my life. I'm thankful for being so incredibly blessed by God with a father who works his tail off to supply me with the ability to go to college. I'm thankful that, even with the drama of school, I can attend a Christian college that challenges me in my faith. I'm thankful for 8 other girls at school who challenge me. I'm thankful for the trails and pain that I go through that only pull me closer to God. I'm thankful for the progress (or sometimes lack thereof), of my books. I'm thankful for the ability to wake up every morning, safe, warm, and knowing that I don't have to worry about where my next meal comes from. I'm thankful for a God that loves us so much that He became flesh and died for us so that we might know Him and join Him in Heaven.

And that's a short list.

But it's Thanksgiving break, and primarily, I'm thankful for the ability to be allowed to stay up till my lovely 3am and sleep till 9 and not have to worry about missing class. I got home around 11pm last night after dropping off two friends from Houghton and then was up till 3 attempting to work on anything, and then when higher brain function decided to allude me, submitted myself to sitting on my computer and played Bejeweled Blitz for an hour. In that hour, I was attempting to solve the world's problems, yet terribly inefficiently.

And then today I just slept in and then allowed myself the simple luxury of lying in bed till noon and rereading the Chronicles of Narnia. (FYI: December 10th The Voyage of the Dawn Treader comes out in theaters - be there!) And then I visited my good friend Carlen Wirth who will be gone for a year and a half in the mission field, and I can't wait to see her after her time there! It will be such a rewarding experience for her; I know it.

For now, I'm home until Sunday and plan to work on homework tomorrow (ah homework; the bane of my existence), and then have some turkey with the family and probably play a game while the football game screams from our backroom.

In other words, we will attempt to have an 'easy' Thanksgiving day and it will probably turn into chaos. Yep, that's how things normally are at the Markloff house. (Funny story, this blog's first suggestion for spelling of my last name is "Markdown". Because that makes sense.)

For now, I bid thee farewell and will attempt to work some more on my book proposal in case I get the nerve to send it out to another agent. (Rachel Kent sadly will not be my agent as she did not know any publishers or editors that would be print my kind of 'heavy fantasy'. Oh well, God's got it under control.)

Good night and happy Thanksgiving! You can officially listen to Christmas music and not look crazy :)

I've Been Away

2010-10-21T00:50:00.002-04:00

So much time has passed since the summer, and especially since my last post. Quite a bit has transpired since then, not much to the cause of 'holy crap my life has changed dramatically', but things have occurred.

My good friend Dusty Jo has become Mrs. Cradduck, and that was a very packed, yet fun filled three days. It was a great chance to see my very close friends from Houghton and spend some time with them outside of school and outside of work obligations.

Jon and Mallory now have a son named Caleb Reese Markloff who, as of today, is 3 1/2 months old. He's mostly muscle and enjoys trying to stand when given the chance. He's just like his dad. And as of his last doctor's visit three days ago, he really does not care for shots, (I can't say as I blame him).

My adventures at the Christian Writer's Conference down at Philadelphia Biblical University were eye opening and further solidification that the publication world is the world in which I wish to belong one day. I met with many charismatic agents and editors, all of which had good things to say about my first book. Currently, I have a book proposal off at Books & Such Literary Agency, and I pray that God has implemented the timing to be His and for the actions from here on out to be His. As the days pass and people ask how the book is coming and I inform them of the proposal out to Rachel Kent, (who was a fantastic person to chat with for 15 minutes, and I was honored to get to spend the time with her), I find the momentary worry of 'what if'.

And then I stop myself and remember that God has everything under control. He created the world, He can surely handle one book proposal.

While this semester at Houghton has been stressful to say the least, I have found more opportunities to learn who I am in Christ, and who God is as my Father, and His plans for me. While at times what He has called me for seem daunting and nearly impossible, when I speak with Him, He reminds me that through Him all things are possible. And I am grateful that He is so very patient with me at every turn.

I am tired, and as I said, stressed, but know that in the end of it all, this will seem like a small blip on the radar compared to what lies ahead. While the future is unknown to me, it is not unknown to God. He holds it all in His hands, and I can rest comfortably, (even if only for six hours a night), that my Father in Heaven watches over me and protects me. And with someone like that walking before me, beside me and behind me, who else need I fear?

Holy Heck!

2010-08-05T01:08:00.002-04:00

To borrow the phrase from my good friend Shelly Manhart; holy heck!

To believe that the conference is next week is mind boggling to me. Is it already that time? Have we already approached mid August? Okay, so technically, no, we haven't, but I feel as though we have! Mostly due to the fact that this next week will probably fly by.

I stand currently on a draft number 4 of my novel, and I feel comfortable with it. I hope, pray and believe that this is what God wants from me, and that He will take this conference and mold it to His will, and not my own.

I just wish that I had more time.

I'm being perfectly honest. I feel exhausted, and I have work in ten hours (so I've got some time to sleep), but regardless, I've been running on far too little sleep, and at this precise moment, all I want to do is go ahead and write, edit, and revise. I don't want to go to Staples and wander about a building for eight hours, I want to pursue my book, I want to find God in it. I want to make sure that it's what He needs it to be, not what I want it to be. And it's hard to find the time - or rather make the time - to edit and revise the current draft I have. I'm proud of myself for reaching the landmarks that I have, and I feel accomplished, I would just love it if I could spend more time in it.

Technically, from drafts 3 to 4, there aren't many changes. A glossary, a few small edits here and there where grammatical errors were appearing and problems with my choice of description (which sucks by the way), and a prologue and minor chapter that will probably be axed because they really aren't necessary, I just felt they needed to be there. So for all I know, an editor or agent will look at them and say, "Why are these here?"

"Because I like them?" I don't know. I'm making this up as I go along. I'm only twenty-two after all.

Regardless of my age, however, I feel a cross between content and on edge. I know that the feeling of apprehension and the never ending nerves are things I need to turn to God for, because He'll take care of me, and I'm working on getting that to constantly be the case, not merely when I acknowledge that it is the case.

*Sigh* It's been a while since writing, and I felt I wanted to write some about where I was, if only for my own benefit. But as it is quarter after 1 in the morning, I should get to bed so as I'm not completely exhausted at work tomorrow...today...whatever.

Here's to God's grace and His plans to me. Let's see where He's leading :)

Why?

2010-04-30T01:05:00.000-04:00

Why? Why? Why?

It’s the eternal question. We probably ask why every day in some form or another. But me? I’m on the verge of screaming in frustration. I’m sitting here, wondering about life after college. I’m wondering about the grace of God and how above all the crap and “necessities” we put up in life, we should be glorifying His name and spreading the good news to the four corners of the earth. I’m sitting here wondering, why we’re stuck in college, spending money that could go to other things in life, like helping someone who doesn’t have enough money to feed themselves for another day. I’m sitting here wondering why we spend the prime of our lives sitting classrooms, stressing over exams and numbers and stupid things like that. I’m sitting here wondering why we have to stress over everything. I’m sitting here wondering, why? Why? Why?

Innate curiosity is what leads to the question of why. We want to know. We want to understand. We’re human, and we’re flawed. We want to understand, because we like logic, we like order, we like when things make sense.

But this? This doesn’t make sense. And we just go with it like it’s okay. And I’m on the edge, ready to start screaming that I want people to realize that it’s not okay. We go with the status quo, we stick to what we’ve been told. We don’t color outside the lines anymore. Everyone thinks that if we do, chaos will fall down on us and we won’t know how to survive the fall of the debris.

Life was never meant to be complicated. Life was never meant to be painful or fearful. Life was meant to be filled with laughter, joy, grace and purity. Instead we’ve turned it into something that signifies death: we work ourselves in school to get ahead of everyone else. We get to college and we do it all over again, to be the best, to look “the part” of the perfect person, the perfect marriage, the perfect man, the perfect woman. We marry “the part”, we discard it because it wasn’t what we thought. We marry another “the part”, and it still isn’t what we need. We run amuck, we cheat, we steal, we lie, we take no responsibility for our actions, we destroy, we deceive, we ultimately obliterate ourselves and all those around us. We, humans, have become a cancer. And we’re okay with that?

I’m not.

Sayings of hope and peace have become cliché, and no one wants to hear them anymore. Sayings like, “be the change you want to see in the world”, is now something everyone rolls their eyes at, it has no meaning anymore. Words like, ‘love’, ‘forever’, and ‘joy’ are overused. Their meanings are now meaningless. Their light is now faded, useless in the darkness, because no one uses them in the proper context anymore.

Women starve themselves because an image tells them to. Men put on the tough guy act because if they show one shred of emotion, they’re suddenly not men anymore. Children are being raised by nannies, baby sitters, and grandparents, because parents just don’t give enough time for their kids. People become so stressed and depressed because no one listens anymore to one another, we’re all so wrapped up in ourselves that we’re not looking at the people around us.

I want to strip the world of those blinders. I want to scream at them, “Don’t you see? Don’t you see what we’re doing to ourselves?” but no one listens. The voices of those outraged by our indignity and inhumanity are lost in the wind, because we all have to be individuals, just so long as your individuality doesn’t offend anyone.

We point the finger at another and curse them out, telling them they’re wrong, they’re inconsiderate, they’re not being politically correct. But if someone points the finger at us, oh no, we can’t have that. I’m always right, you’re the one that’s always wrong. I win, you lose. I live, you die. It doesn’t matter, so long as I’m the one that ends up on top. And yet we tell our kids name calling is bad, it’s rude, you shouldn’t do it. Then what are we, if not hypocrites?

We’ve twisted the rules, we’ve flipped the game board to match our needs, and not the needs of those around us, we’ve moved the deck of cards closer to us so we don’t have to reach as far, but the person across from us has to get up to draw their next card. We cut in line, saying we’re more entitled than those that have been waiting for hours. We’ve become completely self absorbed. We admonish people for being self centered, selfish and all around self consumed, yet we turn around and do the same thing.

It all comes down to one thing: we’re broken.

We’re broken, and there’s only one thing that can fix it. The only problem that remains is the fact that no one believes in that one thing that can fix us. Why is that?

What have we done? Can we redeem ourselves? Do we want to be redeemed?

Final Paper Anxiety/Frustration

2010-04-26T01:29:00.001-04:00

I am going to take a quick moment to talk about the conundrum of homework and tests and finals that every college student in the history of the world is exceedingly well acquainted with. Mostly due to the fact that this semester is the first time in a long time that I’ve been so stressed about projects, papers, and term finals that I’ve become ill to the point of wanting to commit to unconsciousness at 7 in the evening.

For those of you that know me, that’s a problem. For those of you that don’t, I’m naturally nocturnal, and my body doesn’t normally feel the wear of a day until around 2 or 3 in the morning. If I’m saying I want to go to bed at 7 at night, then I’m either sick, or about to become sick. And it appears as though my workload has done just that.

This is the frustration, my biggest beef, with school. Out of all the other little bumps and hiccups that present themselves along the years, this one still remains. All students have been there. You’re sitting in class, and it’s the last two weeks or so of school. Your professor is standing at the front of the classroom, and you already know that you’ve got a paper or project due for the class in a week, and you’re hoping it will be adequate enough to help you pass the class. It’s nearing the end of class, or maybe it’s at the beginning, but the professor sits down or leans on a desk or something and says, “I know that it’s a busy time of year for you guys and you’ve got a lot on your plates,” and then you groan because you know there’s going to be at least a but, and at most an addition to your plate, normally in the form of another quick presentation you’ve gotta do or a quick exam you need to take before you even enter finals week.

So, this is my question; if you see the pattern, if you actually see it and acknowledge that your students are getting burnt out and not sleeping and are forgetting to eat, what compels them to add things to your list of things to do? Is that not the definition of insanity; to do the same thing over and over again and expect a different result?

Then you enter finals week, or hell week, depending on who you ask. And we kill ourselves so we can have a number to follow us and hold us where we will in the class line up and in the waiting line for scholarships. No offence, but no number is worth my sanity or my health.

If it weren’t completely impossible to do anything beyond flipping burgers, (it’s a cliché), I would not be going through this torment that people call college. I would be perfectly content with a high school diploma.

Call me lazy. Call me a procrastinator. I’ll be honest and tell you that’s true. But on the other side of the coin is the fact that we’ve allowed ourselves to call insanity smart thinking. We’ve allowed ourselves to take the strongest points of our bodies lives and spend them sitting classrooms, becoming stressed about grades and classes, and not being properly caring of our bodies because we just plain don’t have time.

When did this happen? Why do we accept this? This absurdity needs to change; because eventually, we won’t know how to enjoy life, because we’ll be too busy trying to figure out how to get a better score than so and so on something, or make more money than what’s her face. Humans were not meant for what we spend our time doing. We were meant for interaction, for love, for devotion, for friendship. Yet we sit in rooms, by ourselves, typing away on computers trying to write a ten page paper on something that could be explained in two!

But for some reason we need to explain something to the umpteenth degree to ensure that not only do we know how to find other people who share our views, but we can reiterate it twenty times to meet a set number of sources that agree with us.

This is absurd.

Opening Doors to the Future

2010-01-27T01:17:00.002-05:00

So, as I have stated in the past, my floormates out here at Houghton College have been the best thing for me to ever have been given from my experiences here. Why start this entry as such? Well, very simply, they are awesome. I went home again with Shelly two weekends ago and we got, once again, onto the topic of who we are in the world and what we hope to gain from the future.

The biggest of which for me was explaining to Shelly that, the longer that time goes on, the more that I feel God saying that the world isn't ready for me yet, but it will be soon. And that terrified me for a while. Two nights ago, Alaina, Dana, Erin and I were up till like, two in the morning, talking about life and the future. Two years. That's what I've got left, roughly. So what does that entail? Can I ready myself for the world in that short an amount of time?

My hope is that, within two years, I can have a first book manuscript ready and presentable for me to go try to find an agent with, and attempt to get it published. Alaina and I have already readied ourselves for the rejections we'll get from our stories. Well, Alaina has. Me? I don't know yet. I'm sure my hands will still be trembling at each letter I receive, and I will still have a silent prayer with a pounding heart as I tear it open in the hope that it may not have been rejected.

Am I meant for the world to hear? I don't know. I don't know what the future holds. I don't know what lies ahead for me. I hope great things, because I feel that's what God wants from me. But in no concrete fashion do I know what will become of me within the next two years. I cannot guarantee that my book will be influential. I cannot guarantee that I will become what I hope to become. I can guarantee that regardless of where I go, and regardless of what I do, God will be with me, and He will love me for who I am, not for what I may or may not become.

Wow, I find comfort in that. What a wonderful feeling! To come back to the heart of worship I had so readily run away from two years ago, and know that my past is my past, but my God loves me today, tomorrow, and forever. To what do I owe the honor to be called His daughter? I guess He just loves me like that. I don't even know why, but God, I love that You love me!

I laugh freely, I smile openly, I talk warmly, I attempt to love unconditionally. Whether or not I succeed, well, yeah, we'll see about that.

Hey, it's a New Year! So, resolutions for the year? Well...seriously now: overall, be better at what I know I can be better at. And seriously look into the publishing of my book. Take the steps. Do the motions. Start the process. Begin the journey.

Whelp, it's time to move on. I should finish up my homework before it gets to be too late. For now, to my cyber-readers and non-announced people that possibly read this, Goodnight, good luck, and God bless you wherever you go and in whatever you do.

"Out of all the voices calling out to me, I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth."

God is Good

2009-12-30T01:11:00.002-05:00

So tonight I got back from work, and was met by the sight of my newest sister standing in the kitchen, with my brother Jon in the dining room while our neighbors were helping to set the dinner table. And then I sat myself down to a crowded, yet love filled, table. We ate, we talked, we said things that were pretty well crazy, which is what my family does best.

And then we eventually got into the action of gift giving, (which, I will admit, was my fault - because I was practically shoving Niki's gift in her face), and then moved out to the living room. Jon and Mallory handed out their gifts, so did Niki, and we all watched them open their belated Christmas presents. And then Jon handed Mom and Dad their gifts.

We all were busy laughing at my parents interacting. Basically, Dad was delaying opening his gift and was busy watching my Mom, to insure that neither of them opened their gifts before the other. After about three minutes or so of watching them attempt to open their gifts, Mom finally gave in and pulled her gift out of the box. It was a mug, and she read the inscription on the side and said, "Aww, 'World's Best Oma'! How cute!"

My brain practically shut down. Oma is German for "grandmom". I don't know what finally got my parents to realize that they were holding a rather important announcement in their hands. I do know that Mallory ducked behind Jon - very similarly to when Jon announced they were engaged - and Jon said, "We have an announcement to make."

And the rest is history.

Nah, I won't end the story there. Jon and Mallory decided to tell my parents - and the rest of the family - that there was a baby to be expected by giving them their matching grandparents mugs. Needless to say, there was much hugs, yelling, and wanting to congratulate Mallory and Jon, but Mallory was hiding.

It was hard to divert attention away from Mallory, so I decided to do my best by throwing Niki her stocking present and get everyone to pay attention to that, rather than Mallory and the fact that she's pregnant. It worked for a few minutes; mostly because Josh has crazy fast ninja skills we didn't know about.

The rest of the night was filled with us all opening our stocking gifts, laughing, asking Jon and Mallory questions about the baby, like names they had looked at, and how Josh isn't allowed to be the crazy uncle. And then Josh started trying to straighten a doily. Remember, he's not the crazy uncle.

And then we all went out into the back room and played - or at least attempted to play - Star Trek Scene It. We did discover that we aren't that crazy knowledge based on Star Trek. We just enjoy it. But when it comes to very specific things...yeah, we don't know half of them. Except Nancy. Nancy knew some random nurse's name out of nowhere.

So. I'm going to be an Aunt. What a revelation! What a crazy turn of events! God never stops to take a break from life. He's constantly got His hands in our lives, even when they're minor things happening. Mallory and Jon hadn't planned on having kids until school was done. So...we'll see where God takes them! Now, we're going to see if anyone in my house can sleep tonight.

God, thanks for never letting us become content at the ease of life. Thanks for keeping us on our toes. Thanks for letting adventure and surprise never be too far off. You're awesome.

Back to Reality....

2009-12-20T23:37:00.003-05:00

Is it bad that, even in my blessing of having a job that pays me well and being able to just, walk back into the building and pop right back into my spot as it was three and a half months ago, I feel as though I'm betraying another part of me?

I'm back home. Home. In Sellersville. And, naturally, with coming home for longer than five days, I'm back to work at Staples. How does that feel? Well, it's comforting to know that I'll have spending money - as it always is. But there's the flip side of now I feel as though I have no time. Yes, it's nice that I'm spending 38 hours this week at work, which could very well mean a nice fat paycheck next Thursday waiting for me, but at the same time, each day it's a shift right in the middle of the day. Which means that, by the time I get home, my family's already spent time together and already have stories that I can't be a part of because I wasn't there in the first place. And things are never as funny if you're just hearing about it, rather than being there when it happens.

So I feel like I'm being left out. I know that my job is a blessing, something that God gave me to keep me on my feet and let me still be allowed to run about and have spending money even when I'm not working. I know this. But...

My brain automatically asks, "what about the relationships? what about the people in your life you care the most about that you can't spend time with, because you're too busy working?"

*Sigh* I don't know. I assume that one day things may make sense again; when I don't have to devote so much time doing something that I view as being extremely temporary. I don't know if my outlook is a good thing, or a bad thing. My outlook on life is that one day I will die; and when I die, I will go to heaven, and dwell with God forever. So what does that mean for the life that I'm living and the time that I'm spending sitting in Staples thinking things like, "Oh goodness, it's only been two hours?!"

It makes me automatically think, "Well, let's just quit and go spend time with people, because people are what's important!"

It also makes me look insane. Whenever I tell people about my 'philosophy', sometimes I get nods, sometimes I get people that say that's a fancy way of saying that I'm lazy, and others look at me as if I've got eighty heads. Or if I'd just said something inane, like...I'm a dragon and will one day breathe fire on someone I hate just for the fun of it.

See? Crazy. (Imagine living in my head. In my mind. Yeah. Just think about it. Welcome to my world).

Okay. I'm tired. It's 11:48, and I'm tired. Am I sick? Or has Staples just corrupted my body in one day to make me feel more withered then I actually am?

Home

2009-12-15T01:03:00.001-05:00

It’s finals week. Wow, what a bizarre thing, to already be at finals week. It constantly surprises me how time can move both exceedingly slow, and yet at super speed at the same time. Who would have thought? I sit here, in my dorm room, and find myself amazed at the fact that, about three and a half months ago, I walked onto this campus, terrified that I would screw up, or not make any friends, of just be in the same spot that I was four months ago.

But the longer I am on this campus, and the longer I am around these amazing people I am privileged enough to call my friends and my professors, I am reminded of God’s glory and His grace. Not only has he given me a multitude of new people that I can call friends, but He’s also shown me what I lost, and He’s shown me how to get back there. It’s hard, but it’s so worth it. To be able to fall asleep and feel love and peace…it’s something that I forgot about somewhere along the way, and I am so thankful to have found it again.

A year ago, I would have been ashamed to write God’s name in a journal entry – how ironic that I should be ashamed of my Father who made me? I still have a lot of growing up to do – more than I originally had thought. But I think it’s good. And I have the feeling that God’s gonna keep me here as long as it’s necessary. I’m still screwing up, but at least now, I don’t immediately blame someone else for the problem. I’ve recognized that I do have an issue regarding school work and getting it done, but at the same time, no matter how many times I screw up. No matter how many times I fall down and say, “Okay, I’m just too tired right now, I’ll get back to you later”, God’s still there. He’s still there with waiting arms.

So I thank God. I thank Him for the abundance of blessings he has bestowed upon me. I thank Him for my family, as dysfunctional as it is, and our ability to love one another and be able to sit down at dinner together and not have harsh words as our only exchange. I thank Him for the continuing blessing of a job, even though it irritates me when I’m there, I hope that the difference I feel will show in my attitude at work, and that I will see him more readily when I am at work. I pray that there has been a difference in me, and that the world will see it. I pray that, even in three and a half months, one group of people can change for the better. I pray that anger and hatred become foreign words and that instead, love and peace will be in their wake.

I thank God. Even as I sit here, dreading a final that has to occur at 8 in the morning today, I thank Him. Because I’ve found Him again. And that alone has made the tuition, the grief, the aggravation, the pain…it’s all been worth it, solely so I could find my way back to Him again. With His arms open, open and waiting for me to come flying back home.

Home.

Dreaming

2009-12-10T00:54:00.000-05:00

What exactly is a daydream? My dictionary defines it as ‘absent minded dreaming while awake’ or ‘having dreamlike musings or fantasies while awake’. Is that what I do a majority of the time? Most likely; because it fits. I do fantasize that my life would be different somehow. In a daydream, I can do anything. In a dream I can do anything. When I listen to songs that are easy to sing to, especially in the car driving home, I belt out the lyrics and am sure to hit all the right notes, because somehow, I’ll imagine myself standing on a stage, lights in my eyes and an audience listening to me singing. And no one is grimacing. No one’s bored. Instead, they’re listening, and for some reason, they are intent to listen. Like me singing is going to change something.

But that’s just a daydream. If I did somehow work up the courage to even audition for something in which I would be singing either by myself or with an ensemble and happened to actually reach that stage of making it to those white lights shining in my eyes so I can’t actually see anything, I’d shake through half of the song before I felt comfortable up there with people staring at me.

When did this happen? When did I become so terrified of people? When did others possibly judging me become a problem? I can’t pinpoint any specific time, date, or even year. I almost wish I could, because that would just sound cool. “It all started midmorning on Sunday afternoon in the cold of November when someone scoffed at me singing and said I was atrocious”. Only instead, I just have vague memories of having a small solo in a musical at church and a few solos that were normally shared throughout my career in elementary school and middle school. And I know I wasn’t always terrified. I have a very vivid memory of me, probably at the age of like, six, (woot! I can remember back to when I was six! ROCK ON), singing to an old folks home with my dad playing the guitar.

He hasn’t played that guitar in years. I wonder if he even remembers that he has it. I wonder if he can remember how to play it.

I want to live my daydream. I want to actually, one day, work up the courage necessary to sing a song and actually have people applause afterwards. But my time is running out. What can I do? High school, I just allowed myself to be part of the choir. Sure, I tried to get solos and get into the elite choir, and choked at auditions. I knew my choir director well enough to know he wouldn’t laugh at me after I walked out of the room, regardless of how I did. So why did I freak out and why did my heart beat faster like someone had gotten the cue to make the drum beat crescendo and speed up? What’s the point to me having this ability, (Which, by the way, I’m not 100% sure I actually have), if I can’t just go along with it and allow it to happen?

I guess I haven’t given this up yet to God. I guess I haven’t given any of it up yet. That’s a sad reality.

…I’m sorry God.

If All Classes Were Musicals

2009-12-04T00:12:00.002-05:00

Seriously though. If classes were either musicals, or humorous, then students would remember everything from the class. Take abridged series, and spoofs, and rip offs and anything else that makes us laugh and repeat it and repeat it and quote it and have a ball resiting the things we found funny the first eighty times.

If classes were in musical format, or so funny you were falling out of your seats, you'd want to recite those funny, factional moments over and over and over again. And quizzes and tests would be a breeze! You'd just have to sit there and sing out an answer, or laugh as you thought about the one quote to answer the question.

I'd be a straight A student in no time! I can quote half of Red vs. Blue episodes, Abridged series, spoofs, heck, my friends videos. If it makes you laugh, you're more likely to remember the cause of the laughter.

Random thought.

My Brain

2009-11-19T00:40:00.002-05:00

It may as well be goo. For the past week, I've been attempting to actually accomplish things, and instead, whenever I sit down to do them, my body gets all tired and my eyes hurt and my brain feels fogged up. Heck, even playing Kingdom Hearts was too much for me this past week!

And meanwhile, I'm counting down the days until our floor is quarantined due to health reasons. Alaina and Dana brought something back from their trip to Jamestown, Shelly's got a sinus infection, Erin's been coughing like no ones business for the past few days, and Kara had a fever a few days back.

I can't wait for break. The ability to sleep in will probably do wonders for my body. And a good meal - I cannot wait for that. Houghton had their Thanksgiving dinner tonight, and, it was okay. A few steps above what they normally offer, but nothing phenomenal. It made me yearn for the real Thanksgiving meal I'll get when I go home and my mom's cooking.

So, November has been National Novel Writing Month; or NaNoWriMo for short (don't ask me, I didn't make up the name). And originally, Alaina and I were going to attempt to write a novel of at least 50,000 words in that time frame; one month. And on paper, it sounds great. And it would have been. I did write about 12,000 words for my second book, and got me started on the ideas that will eventually fill the contents of it, but, as my brain has been mush recently, I haven't been able to get much past that.

I went home with Shelly over the weekend and had this grand plan to work on my book and get a good chunk done so I could feel accomplished. Instead, whenver I got that freaking laptop in my lap, I would start to write, and realized that it was crap that I was writing! So at one point, I remember I reread what I had written and hit the save button and muttered, "Well, that's all going to be rewritten in the future."

So I'm thinking, at the very least, I can keep attempting to plug away at it and try to get ideas down onto paper. The problem is, I don't actually know where some of these events are taking place yet. Oops. Yeah, that's the problem with this grand idea to make my story global. I don't want it to be a steryotypical story of "America is awesome so we only have the superpowered people on our side" idea. I want it to be something that would, idealy, unify the world through seven people that had never met before.

We'll see how that works out. Right now, I really should be working on my book. Which I think I'm going to scrap for now and go to bed, so I can get up tomorrow and go to breakfast since my stomach is gnawing at itself right now for something akin to food that isn't unhealthy, and then write after having some breakfast.

Look at that; I wrote more than one entry for the month. Go me! Let's shoot for another one and see where that takes me.

Quite Bad

2009-11-12T01:12:00.003-05:00

I really am. At least in regards to this. I guess I just don't set aside enough time to actually call this a blog.

Okay, so. Life. Yeah, about that. So, I've been at Houghton approximately two months. Give or take a week. And, as weird as it sounds, I feel like I've known the people that have come to inhabit my life in these past two months a whole lot longer than the said time frame. I feel as though I've known them for...years. Or my whole life. It feels bizarre to think of it that way, but I do.

What brings it out? I dunno. I just live here.

But what's attracting me more is the fact that I'm actually growing. Not just mentally or physically, but spiritually. I haven't felt this...alive...in years. I look around a room and I feel God. Last night/this morning Kara and I were in the mood for a late night walk and wound up down by the track field. And God was gracious enough to turn out the lights so I could look up at the stars and have my breath taken away.

A sense of peace - real peace - filled me and I just said, to no one in particular, "Oh God, can I fly up there some day?" Kara answered my rhetorical question, but I don't remember what she said. All I remember is laughing and letting tears fill my eyes at the pure beauty of the night sky. I very well may have seen the stars like that before, but I don't remember it. I could see stars - millions of them - and multiple constellations. It was cold, and the air was chilling to breathe, but I felt so awake and completely in that God spot.

I didn't see any shooting stars, but I felt God. And that's what I needed. I needed to feel him alive in me and not just words on a page.

I've decided that I'm going to have to live somewhere like here - not necessarily here in Houghton or in New York - but somewhere where, on any given clear night, I can walk out onto my porch and look up, and see the stars. I get lost in them, and find in myself the peace of my soul I need. And I'm so thankful for that half hour of wandering around the track dwelling in God's grace and His peace.

I know I haven't reached the peak of my spiritual being yet, because I feel Him often - more than I knew possible - but I don't feel Him all the time. And until I learn that, I can't be the effective tool for the world He wants me to be. I'll get there, I know I will, and I'm content to travel along that path with Him as my guide.

And my future? I'm content, almost happy, at the ability to say, "Here ya go!" and hand it over to Him. In fact, just today, I was feeling His spirit compel me to open up to one of my floormates about my dreams - some of which I've never told anyone about. And it felt good to say, out loud, the things of my heart. Even if they're trivial. It was awesome to hear myself say what I had longed to say for years. I couldn't help but smile as I was speaking, because I could say it, and I knew she was listening.

What a feeling! It's so foreign to me, to speak and be heard. I've felt through so much of my life as though I speak and no one hears me, but all this time I've discovered that He's always been listening and waiting to let me be heard by other people at the right moments.

*Sigh* I could keep going, but for now, I am getting ready to commit to sleep. And I need to go scrub a drawing of a zombie platapus off my arm.

I Need to Vent

2009-09-13T23:44:00.002-04:00

I need to get this off my chest before I explode from the overbearing weight of anxiety falling down on me.

So, I spoke to my parents tonight, and the conversation was good. I laughed with them, and I made them laugh, which is good to know that I'm still capable of doing such things. They're glad to know that I'm enjoying school so much and glad to know that Houghton was a good fit, as they thought it would be.

My mom leaves for a few minutes and I'm talking with my dad, which is cool. I'm happy to talk with my dad. But then, I'm sitting there talking, and I mention that my friend already has a boyfriend. About two minutes later, I completely regretted saying anything.

It's bad enough that I don't have a boyfriend. It's bad enough that I'm 21 and haven't experienced half the things I would like to say I've experienced. It's bad enough that I'm terrified of trusting anyone with my heart that I can't even look at guys because I'm afraid that they'll just turn around a laugh that a girl like me was looking at a guy like him.

And then my dad starts talking about it. He begins by trying to sound encouraging, wondering if I'd found any guys I was interested in and if so, what I was doing about it. I told him that I hadn't, and that I really wasn't looking. I'm trying - really trying - to just let that be God's thing. Because I failed so miserably last time, and it's obvious He's the only one who will help me find 'that guy', if there even is one for me.

And then it turned into something where it's my fault. My father, for all his loving ignorance, says, "You know, it is okay for the girl to ask the guy in today's society."

My heart just about broke.

That's all well and good father, but that's not me. Okay? It never has been. I want a guy that will be willing to take that chance. I know it's a vast long shot. That anyone would think that it's worth taking a chance on me. I'm the most average person on the planet. I'm not pretty enough to be popular, but I'm not ugly enough to be ignored. Instead, I just float around, wondering if anyone will ever think about the average looking girl alone the corner.

It's bad enough that my next door floormates all either have romantic interests on campus, or a boyfriend, and my room mate has a romantic interest. My other friends from across the hall all have boyfriends or husbands, or blatantly express a disinterest in men at the moment.

And meanwhile, I'm still sitting here. I can't do this! I can't just walk on up to someone I don't even know and be like, "Hi, wanna go date me?" First off, it screams rejection, and second, why would anyone even remotely attractive want to look at me, let alone date me? I'm screwed up to the core, and I'm so insecure that I don't even know what I'm good at. I second guess every action I make and bury myself in fantasy to escape the reality I hate.

I need a Tyron right now. I just need someone to tell me it's okay and wrap me in their arms and just hold me until it's over. I envy my main character. I want to be her, that's why I can't help but write about her.

That tightness in the chest. It's been growing ever since the last of the girls on the floor told me about the boy she's now attracted to. It shoves me out of the club that everyone on the inside knows the language and the feeling and can sit there and giggle about how they feel, which makes me want to scream in envy. Why can't I be that lucky? To just go for a walk and stumble upon someone that's nice and sincere and cute?

Do I have the bravery to post this? Do I dare to see if anyone reads it, let alone comments? Do I?

Of course I do. Because no one will read it.

Houghton College

2009-09-08T15:58:00.002-04:00

If you don't know now, then you haven't known. I'm currently stationed at the lovely little Houghton College in Northern New York state. And, to be brief, it's awesome here. The first night I was here, a bunch of girls from the floor, (who are all transfer juniors by the way), myself included, got together to watch Beauty and the Beast. It wound up setting us all up for becoming a group that goes everywhere together.
It's actually really reassuring. I still feel as though I don't know many people outside of my floor, but in actuality, I'm only a week in and know a good deal of people and am continually walking up to someone I don't know and being like, "Hi! My name's Susan! What's yours?"
And the classes? Phenomenal. Really, these are absolutely astoundingly wonderful classes. At the beginning of each of them, my professors will say, "Okay, before we dive into the lesson, let's just quickly give a word of prayer up to God for the next hour of learning".
Whoa!
I almost screamed, "What are you doing? You can't do that in a school"! And then I remembered where I was, and saw that everyone around me bowed their heads and began to pray along with the professor. It warmed my heart to see so many people - even if it was only twenty or so students - bowing their heads in prayer before class started.
And then my floormates and I went off to be part of the Sunday night worship service, called Koinonia. It's not required, it's not even strongly advised. It's just a community thing that everyone plans to do on Sunday nights. And to see the chapel packed with students worshipping God was...breathtaking.
The only thing that's making me freak out is my writing classes. And it's not because of the assignments. No, it's because in both of them, the professors constantly are asking for us to share our work, or pass it to another student and let them read it and see what they get out of it.
*Gulp*
Yesterday it happened in both my Literary Non-Fiction class and my Fiction class (my fiction class is short stories. I'm not so good with short stories). In Non-Fiction, I had to pass off a reaction paper to another girl and let her read it and, essentially, see what she got from it. Whether or not I was capable of portraying what I wanted or not. The whole time I was sitting there, dreading everything. All that was running through my mind was, "What if she hates it? What if she thinks I'm completely weird? Why do we have to do this? Can't it be anonymous? Can't we pass the papers all around the room multiple times so no one knows who Susan Markloff is and where she's sitting? Can't I leave? Can't I just not pass it off to someone?"
I don't know how she, or my professor, reacted to it. Mostly because she wasn't asked to read about what she thought of my paper. Every time his eyes drifted to her, I felt my heart beat faster in terror. I was, truly, terrified.
And then what's worse, but I had to then go two floors down and read something of fiction I'd written!
Please, my life is boring and I can use that as an excuse in Non-Fiction writing, but in fiction, I'm calling the shots! I can be a terrible writer and no one will care in non-fiction because I can blame in on poor life experiences. But in fiction, I can be a terrible writer and then everyone will know it!
So as I read it, to a small group of only two other people, my hands trembled and my throat became dry. My face got red, I'm sure, because I could feel it getting hotter the more I had to speak. I was waiting for my voice to crack, but thank God it was only two pages long.
I continued to sit there, hoping to anything that I could just black out and not have to sit through the class. But then, to my complete and total terror, my professor - as kind as she seems - told us to read aloud a small section of an exercise we were doing. Taking a deep breath, so as to appear calm, I read my sentence, purposefully cutting it down so maybe it would go unnoticed amongst the others that would follow it, or precede it.
After we were all done, we then were allowed to make comments, whether or not we found something to be interesting that another student wrote. To my surprise, my professor commented on mine, saying that it was a good way to illude to the story's premise.
She looked at me, waiting for me to answer, and I just nodded that she was correct - it was a time travel story. But I was surprised that, in such a short sentence, she chose to hang onto two little words at the tail end of it.
I suppose that this whole experience of sharing what I'm creating is God's way of making me feel more - or less - confident in what it is I wish to do. I hope to be able to come out of this more confident than before. We will see that outcome in the coming years. But I truly have been terrified the past two days, wishing to not have to show anyone what I write. I fear it's inadaquare, just as I am.
Who knows, maybe there's hope for me yet.

The Harry Potter Rant

2009-05-11T21:33:00.003-04:00

And now, for the long awaited (WRONG!) rant of mine on Harry Potter.

I do this so then I don't have to continually restate my reasons for finding it hard to understand why Harry Potter is entertaining/amazing/worthy of awards out the wazoo.

Now, as I stated in my Twilight rant, just because I'm writing this doesn't mean that I condemn J.K. Rowling's idea. And just as I enjoy the premise behind the Twilight books, it's the same idea with Harry Potter. I like the idea behind bringing the legends and folklore of wizards and other magic-ish ideas into the modern age. I can actually really appreciate it.

But that doesn't mean that Harry Potter is the greatest work of fiction ever.

Now, before anyone goes and reads this thing, I want to throw this out there; I will be going over things that can be considered spoilers. So if you haven't read all of the books and you don't want the endings spoiled in any way, then you should probably stop reading this. If you don't care, then read on!

The first point I want to make is the idea behind Harry's "unbelievable" power. This was a relatively interesting plot for maybe a book or two. But then it got boring. Especially when we found out why. The only reason Harry has any real power is because Voldemort inadvertently gave it to him. Voldemort is the only wizard at all in the entire series that has any true power unprecedented t the wizarding world. Without that, Harry's kind of a bumbling idiot.

The next point is the idea of the scar. Why a freaking lightning bolt? Because it was easy to have someone make-up on a human being? It's not like she ever explains why it's in the shape of a scar, or even why the scar is important by means of a physical ailment. Yes, I know, it sets him apart, it makes it evident that then he can sit there and say, "Ow! My scar!" But scars don't hurt! It's his brain that's hurting more than anything. A scar is merely a remnant of a past pain. True, this is meant for children, but there are people that are actually in their 30s and 40s that are going nuts over these books.

"Only I can defeat Voldemort!" Why is that exactly? Oh, right, because Voldemort put a piece of his soul into Harry, along with his power. So otherwise, no one can even try to fight Voldemort. Even though, I'm sure that if Harry were the strong wizard that he his (which he isn't), then he'd be able to train and help teach other people about what he knows. Instead, he just sort of sits around and mooches off of Hermione. I mean, think about it, Hermione is the only young witch with any real ability to use spells and be even remotely intelligent about fighting with little pointy sticks.

This then leads to the fact that Harry is, without a doubt, the worst leader ever to have been used in a story where a leader is crucial and important. Seriously, he's the most horrible choice out of everyone in the books. I mean, even Nevil eventually steps up and becomes a strong leader. But throughout all 7 books he's still the same whiny little child that gripes and moans about all of the stupid little things that happen to him. Leaders, true actual ones don't allow themselves to be affected by the frustrating/angering/upsetting/annoying things that happen in life. But instead, Harry lets literally everything get to him.

Take the beginning of book 4 for example. So Harry let's Sirius know about the whole "someone put my name into the Goblet of Fire and now I'm in the game" thing and Sirius, being an overprotective oaf, tells Harry he's coming to Hogwarts right away. A moment before getting this note, Harry had been happy talking with his friends. But the moment he reads the note, he suddenly, out of nowhere, decides that the best course of action is to punch the table in front of him and scream about how horrible he is for having told his godfather about the Goblet of Fire thing.

And thus, we as readers are then stuck with "Angsty Harry" for the rest of the freaking series.

And people want to call him a good leader? How do they see this? I'd love to know where they get that notion. And it doesn't have anything to do with the whole, "He has no choice, he has to be a leader against Voldemort". No, he really doesn't. Technically, Harry makes the choice that he's a leader and the only one who can lead anyone to victory against Voldemort. But in actuality, anyone of the kids from Hogwarts could stand up and be a leader - like Nevil does in the last book. But instead, everyone just goes along with the 'fact' that Harry knows better than everyone.

Okay, Harry's an idiot.

And don't go saying "it makes him believable". No, it really doesn't. It just makes him look stupid. I mean, what 11 year old decides to take matters into his own hands and go after the diabolical madman that's trying to kill everyone in the world? Not even actual stupid children do things like that! Kids in the real world, especially at 11 years old, don't think that they're better then the rest of the world that no rules apply to them. Rules, like when teachers/parents/authority figures tell you to go to bed and stay there, shouldn't be disobeyed. I mean, think back to book number one. When Harry, Mr. 'I'm-the-boy-who-lived-therefore-I-know-better-than-anyone-and-can-beat-a-seasoned-evil-wizard-but-no-one-else-can', decides that he'll take matters into his own hands, go mess with a huge Cerberus named "Fluffy" (how dare you name an awesome mythical creature THAT?!), go risk his best friends lives, risk his own life, and hunt down the man that already almost killed him. If Harry had just stayed in his room, like he was told, then Dumbledore would have come back to Hogwarts and stopped Voldemort or whomever he was fused together with at the time, and the whole thing would have been over!

So this means that stupid children do not grow up to be amazingly awesome leaders in battles for earth!

The next point is the whole "Ron & Hermione" relationship thing. Now, I've already had debates about this with people, and they all say the same thing: "I know they're meant to be together because they end up together in the books!"

Woopdee-freaking-doo. I know that they end up together. I'm not an infant. I did read the books. That however, does not mean that they would actually live a happy, long life together. I say the two together because they'd either have marital problems that led to a divorce or an affair, or they'd kill one another. Seriously; I have never seen two complete opposites like them get together and stay together for the rest of their natural lives. I know that this is fiction and what not, but Rowling did base the story in the real world. So therefore, the logical end to this is that IT WOULD NEVER ACTUALLY HAPPEN.

My last point, because I'm tired of typing, is about the ending. This alone will take a while for me to go on about. The first thing I'd like to say is: a trainstation? With Dumbledore? What kind of crazy kid is this?

Anyway, the final battle. I don't think there's any way that any writer or random obligatory person in general could screw up a great epic battle more than Rowling did in book 7. For those of you that didn't read the books yet and are still reading this, essentially, the whole huge battle that we've been waiting years and books to get to, ends like this: Harry and Voldemort stare at one another, a few minor words are exchanged, they both scream their favorite spell, (which, by the way, Harry was told to NOT do; make a trademark spell), and Harry kills Voldemort.

Seriously, that's how it ends.

I wanted to scream. I had been reading these books for months, waiting to get to the end, sufferieng through Angsty Harry and all of the stupid thing that were randomly thrown into the books, and it took all of a paragraph to finish. I kept flipping the page back and forth, wondering what I had missed. Surely Voldemort would get back up. I mean, it can't end like that. So I continued to read the book and upon reading the last chap - oops, I mean "Epilogue" - I sat in my chair and said to myself, "Yep, it actually ended like that. What a letdown."

I mean, who in their right mind makes two characters that, for like, five books, you claim are really powerful and "neither can live while the other one dies" or whatever, and then have the whole major confrontation go down in a paragraph! You don't freaking do that! You just don't. It's anticlimactic. You've spent books - really, really long books - waiting to get to this moment, and you threw it on the ground and spat on it! I know that a lot of people believe that she got tired of writing the books. Okay, I can understand that, so screw up on the rest of the book. Heck, make me hate the entire first half like whatsherface that wrote Twilight. Don't mess up the ending of what you've already made up in our minds as an epic battle!

Then the last thing is that last, stupid, little sentence. It's been engrained into my brain ever since I read it. "Harry's scar hadn't hurt in 12 years" (or however many years, I can't remember exactly how many). To that I literally said out loud, "Well no duh! Voldemort's dead!" If the cause of the problem is gone, poof, then of course his freaking scar isn't going to hurt!

So please, someone, other than Adam Turck, explain to me why these are your favorite books. Even after all of this.

And for clarification, I have read all 7 books, I have seen every movie that's come out and I will see every movie that continues to come out to theaters (my sister-in-law is a Harry Potter fan). So it's not that I hate the books. I just don't understand the whole "Harry Potter is the greatest" stuff.

STAR TREK

2009-05-08T13:08:00.002-04:00

So, yes, I saw Star Trek. My reaction?

It was, beyond a shadow of a doubt, one of the most enjoyable movies I've seen in a long time. The writing truly was excellent. A perfect mix of humor with seriousness and catastrophe. There were a number of times when I was cracking up so much that I almost started crying. I really did love the writing, because they could have butchered it, but did a great job making it entertaining.

The cast?

I think I'm going to have to point them each out individually. Because they were all wonderful. Only read if you don't care about spoilers.

Chris Pine, for me, was a very pleasant surprise. He was amazing in his ability to just make me crack up. There's a point in the movie when he has an allergic reaction and the interactions between himself, Zoe Saldana, and Karl Urban are spot on and a great spot of humor in the middle of the story. I loved watching him play Kirk as he tries to find his way through the world. And the Kobiashi Maru test? Hilarious! Towards the end of the movie, Spock, (Zachary Quinto), is quoting the probability that they will be successful is under 5%. Kirk then says, quite simply, "Spock, it'll work". Pine's delivery of the line sounds remarkably like Shatner. It was a quick trip down memory lane.

Zachary Quinto, as many already know, is someone I respect as an actor from watching him play Sylar on Heroes. Once again he did a great job portraying my favorite Star Trek character - Spock. Seeing Spock's origins was very nice to experience. Yes, we've seen in the show and movies little glimpses into his past, but not quite as much as we were allowed to see in the new movie. But for me, the most wonderful thing to see was the performances of both Zachary Quinto and Jacob Kogan, who played the young Spock. The struggle to find a balance between Human and Vulcan was something that we as fans have never been allowed to see before. It was refreshing to look into a different side of the character. My favorite Spock moment? Hm. Probably when Pine makes Kirk 1st officer and Spock says "Captain, I'm sorry. The complexities of humor escape me."

Karl Urban as Bones. Talk about someone getting the diction down! The moment he started on the screen talking about his "fear of dying in something that flies" and the effects of Angorian Shingles, it was like listening to DeForest Kelly all over again. And like I said when talking about Chris Pine in the allergic reaction scene, he was brilliant. "I can fix that!" I completely believe that he's just beginning to figure out where he belongs on the Enterprise. When Spock informs him that obviously he's going to have to assume the roles of Cheif Medical Officer, and he's already assumed that was the case and took over. It was a step into his role that he didn't need to be told to do, which is so like Bones.

Now, in order to talk about Zoe Saldana, I'll have to take a moment to talk about the whole relationship thing. If I saw her getting together with anyone, it was Kirk. Yes, in the series and the movies they did hint at something possibly being there, but back then, they hinted at everything. The only true reason I actually accept it was her and Zachary Quinto's performances. They made it completely believable. Because of that, I can take what used to be impossible and make it possible. I may not be the biggest fan of it, but hey, if that's the only blip on the radar, then I'll take it.

But Zoe Saldana. She was wonderful. I had forgotten that she had stared in X-Men: The Last Stand, until I watched it again this past weekend. Regarding Star Trek however, I loved the slight pause she gave Pike when he told her to relieve a Lutenent on the bridge. That slight amount of unease was all I needed to see. For the remainder of the movie, she seems much more at ease with her sudden promotion, but at that first moment, where she seems unsure of herself for the slightest second. That meant the world to me. It showed me that she may seem tough as nails on the outside, but inside, she's probably terrified of screwing up. My favorite moment for her was the scene when Kirk runs to her with his allergic reaction. "Oh my God, what happened to your hands?!"

John Cho as Sulu. His introduction was great. Trying to go to warp and forgetting something that only took a second to fix. His reaction was excellent. He just sat there, looked frustrated with himself and pushed a button, "We're ready for warp". My favorite moment for him was probably when Kirk asked what kind of training he'd had and he replies simply, "Fencing". What a great throwback to George Takai!

Anton Yelchin as Chekov. Okay, first off, his accent was dead on. Like, I know he doesn't look quite like Walter Koenig, but his voice sounded exactly like what I remembered from the movies and series! And I totally believed that he was seventeen. His unparalleled enthusiasm showed that more than anything. His excitement at finding out that he knew how to save Kirk and Sulu was so superb. The announcment over the ship about the mission was fantastic!

And Simon Pegg? Do I need to say more? When he said Scotty's trademark line, cheers errupted from the audience mixing with laughter. Which was the case when anyone said a line we all as fans recognized. Pegg as Scotty was a great bit of comic relief. When Kirk first meets him and hears about the failed experiment, I was cracking up. "I'll tell you when he reappears."

Eric Bana as Nero was terrific. A man so misguided by revenge for the death of his world that he can't see beyond the possibility that he had already changed what he preceived as history. But it's compellingly believable. When Pike says that he's mistaken, that Romulus was fine, he screams in both anger and agony, "Don't tell me it didn't happen! I saw it happen!" You half want to cry and half want to kill him. You understand his side of the story, you understand his pain. But on the flip side you just saw Spock's complete torment, (I started crying. Whenever I see Zachary Quinto start to cry I want to bawl my eyes out).

Bruce Greenwood. He has some great lines. Now Pike in the original series only was around, if you count the first pilot, for three episodes. So we don't have much of a feel for him. But Greenwood seems to reach out, trying to bring Kirk under his wing. The relationship that he has with Kirk is pretty wonderful. He does change Kirk's life, and puts him on course to become at least somewhat of the man that we know.

And last, but most certainly not least is the marvelous, legendary Leonard Nimoy. How extraordinary is it to see him back on the big screen? Pretty extraordinary. I loved to see Kirk's reaction to "Spock Prime" and his version of the past. And naturally, when he did the Vulcan salute, I, being the nerd I am, showed the Vulcan salute to the screen. It was nice to see Spock at peace with himself and his duality, which technically we haven't seen yet. I will never turn down seeing Leonard Nimoy on screen as Spock. He did introduce the world to my favorite character.

The last comment; JJ Abrams. I don't think he's ever going to make anything I hate. I think, from here on out, I'm going to just blatently trust him.

The music was...well, I'm a pretty bad person to ask about music from movies. But the theme, I think, was great. Very memorable. All the way down to Philadelphia, the theme was stuck in my head. It's the next score I plan on buying. It was defintely sweepingly epic, and every now and then the slow, quiet, emotional music just displayed that the whole thing was amazing.

Overall, Star Trek was brilliant. The casting was great, the interactions of the team was great, and long live the magnificent seven! Me being crazy was so psyched for the movie that as the music began to play and the Paramount screen showed up, I thought I was going to pass out from excitement. I know, I'm a dork.

I'm sorry if I screwed up the story for anyone. This movie is all I can think about. And I did see it twice in one day. 7pm with the family and a few friends and then 11:40 in IMAX with Tara. Pretty amazing right?

To cast, crew, and everyone that helped to make this movie and ressurrecting Star Trek, thank you!!

It's Late, But...

2009-04-05T01:23:00.003-04:00

It's late, and I'm exhausted, and I wish I had more energy.

My brother, oldest of us four, became a married man as of 3 something today. It's exciting and amazing to think that we've been blessed with someone who not only wants to willingly join our messed up family, but on top of that she actually likes us!

I'm completely blown away. As I said, I'm exhausted, and want nothing more than to sleep, but at the same time want to just sit and write for hours in my journal or on this blog about this major change in our family. The first of us is married, and is beginning to look at a house for them to live in. It's unbelievable, and extraordinary, to think that much time as really gone by.

The bride, a wonderful and very, very sweet young woman named Mallory has, as I said, willingly joined our family (and the horror of becoming an alliteration; Mallory Markloff). And, even though she was absolutely terrified at the prospect of getting up in front of people and having to be the center of attention for the day, did an amazingly awesome job. She even let me take pictures of her.

Although I must say that while we were in the midst of taking pictures in the chapel, after the service, her best friend's mom said, "Mallory, put your hand on your hip like you had before, and look like you're disgusted with us."

Mallory replied, "I am disgusted with you."

I couldn't help but laugh. She's got a great wit that just fits so perfectly with our family. I don't think any of us could search the world over and find a better mach for my brother to spend the rest of his life with. She is absolutely perfect for him. And I am so honored to be able to call her my sister-in-law. I've enjoyed, greatly, the past 7 months getting to know her and her habits. And it's been a joy.

My nerves are restless. I truly do wish I were a Vulcan where I wouldn't need to sleep. Especially on days like this. But I, being human, need the rest. Especially after the past week of stress-filled preparation. But thank God for the small things. Everything today worked out perfectly. Everyone was great, and I thank everyone that had a part in it, on behalf of the family. Without you guys, and your tremendous support, we wouldn't have been able to pull this off. Your care, devotion and love to my brother and new sister mean the world to us. From the bottom of my (and our) hearts, thank you.

I may write more later, who knows. But for now, it is late, and I should be off to bed. The next blog will probably be my Harry Potter Rant. I've already written it up, it just need to be typed.

Good night world. And once again, thank you to all :D

Twilight: The Rant

2009-03-29T23:30:00.005-04:00

We will now take a moment to discuss something that has become a crazy, uncontrolled cult.

"Twilight"

This series of books, for some reason, has completely overcome the population of American Teenagers, high school students, and even, dare I say it, college students. Even some parents are going nuts over these books. And me, a writer, has to wonder, "Why?"

I know some friends, and even some people that I have come to debate books often with, have come to absolutely love these books. Me? I don't quite understand it. This is going to be my rant on my, apparent, inability to understand why these are "amazing" or "stunning" books.

First, saying that the books are not my favorite and that I find them relatively childlike does not mean that I rebuke the idea Stephanie Meyer (or however you spell her last name) has brought to the world for our entertainment. In fact I quite admire her for her creativity in that aspect. I sincerely enjoy the idea behind bringing the myths of vampires and werewolves into the modern age and incorporating it rather well (at times).

But, that doesn't mean that I own every book and reread them until pages fall out.

My first, major concern with her writing is this; the spelling and grammatical errors that she so frequently has within the full confines of the books. If it were just the first one, I'd look it over, but it's throughout all four! The way she adds comas randomly and occasionally puts words in that do not need to be there, (take note to the back cover of the first book. "unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him"? What's the need for irrevocably to be used in that sentence? Aside for everyone to quote it non-stop thinking it's an amazing bit of literature).

By the time I got to the fourth book, which yes, I did read them all and I did see the movie. I don't judge a series until I've read the fullness of it. Without the full understanding of all the books in the series, (no matter how dull), who am I to write a rant such as the one I'm currently writing? Anyway, by the time I made it to the book three of book four, I wanted to take my pen and start marking up the book I was borrowing. Every single freakin' time that someone said "Yeah, me too", she adds a coma! It's not like, once in a blue moon there's another coma, it's EVERY time. "Yeah, me, too".

Who speaks like that? Do you pause between each word in a three word sentence? I normally don't, not that I'm an example of excellent diction or grammatical skills. Here, I'll explain. When I read "Yeah, me, too", I read it in my head as "Yeah...me...too". Because comas are used as pauses. Otherwise, there's no use for them! Ellipsis (that's what ... is called), are meant to be used as a reference guide. When you see ..., it means that there was more text there, but it was irrelevant to whatever the quotation is. (My dictionary defines it as "omission or suppression of parts of words or sentences").

My second major gripe with Twilight is the...third (?) book, Stephanie Meyer throws a gigantic monkey wrench into Bella's life by having Jacob so obsessed with her, (not that Bella should care, she'd rather have Edward, who stalks her, breaks into her house and watches her as she sleeps than a normal human being), that he's convinced that by kissing her, she'll fall in love with him.

I really would love someone to explain that theory to me. Does that mean that if I want someone to love me, and if we're meant to be together, I can just walk up to them and start making out with them? See, in the real world, (which is where this story is supposed to take place mind you), that would be grounds to have a restraining order put on not only me, but Jacob himself. In theory, Bella could have a court keep him fifty feet away from her, otherwise he could go to jail. I know, I know, it's no fun that way.

Seriously though, when, what, halfway through the book and everyone's like, "newborn vampires, aaah!", and for some reason Bella asks Jacob to kiss her, (I can't remember why, I honstly wasn't paying that much attention), and suddenly, it's like a spotlight went off in Bella's head. Suddenly, out of the blue, she comes to the realization that she's actually, (fancy this), in love with Jacob just as she's in love with Edward.

Because, in parallel skewed reality, you can be "unconditionally and irrevocably in love" with two people at the same time.

Like I said, I would gladly welcome an understanding to this theory. You too Stephanie Meyer! You're welcome to comment! Not that I expect someone like her to be reading a blog by someone like me.

The next thorn in the side of the Twilight series is book two. Yes, the whole thing. Well, maybe not the whole thing. I think I enjoyed a total of three chapters. Yeah, those last three. When Edward came back and there seemed to be a life to the story again. The other majority of the book? I wanted to rip out and burn. It was absolutely horrible.

No one wants to read about a depressive child whining and complaining about how completely and utterly destroyed her life is that "the only man she'll ever love", (even though in book three she realizes she's in love with Jacob too), is gone from her life. I literally wanted to find a way to manifest Bella so I could beat her up. I was tired of hearing about how her life sucked. The whole time, I kept chanting in my head, as if it would somehow change what had already been written in the book, "cry me a river, build me a bridge and get the heck over it". Life sucks, and then you die. Well, not her apparently.

But it wasn't just emo depressive Bella that made me detest reading book two. No, I think what I hated more was Edward, Mr. I'm-so-intelligent-and-wise-from-my-immortal-life-of-forever-that-I-don't-need-to-listen-to-the-woman-I-love idiot. (That sentence took far too much concentration). He blatently ignores her pleas in the beginning of the book and leaves her. Litterally picks up and runs away. Then he's freakin' miserable too. Rather than, oh, I don't know, listen to one another and talk it out, he's wuss and runs away from the problem, rather than attack it head on. He continually acts, throughout the entire series, like he's always going to know better than anyone else.

I know he's stuck at the physical age of 17, but for Christ's sake, mature a little! You're past puberty, and mentally he should be mature enough to handle a situation like this. Or at least get advice from Carlile. I feel like Carlile would be the number one person to address issues such as the ones he and Bella face with. But Edward walks around as if, because he's a vampire and is immortal, that he will forever be perfect and have and understanding beyond anyone else.

Yeah, he can read minds. Woopdie freakin' doo. I don't care. I doubt Bella cared. She was in love with him, and he claimed to be in love with her till the end of time, yet he never actually listens to her ideas or theories or anything! Some "perfect" man.

My final gripe about Twilight: the media hype.

Not that media hype is bad! And not that every story doesn't deserve it's own following. It's more of that everywhere I go it's "Twilight this" and "Twilight that". Enough already! I read the books, I watched the movie - twice at that - and still it's all I see. I walk into Wal-mart and that's all they're advertizing. I turn on my computer and open my e-mail and I've got Borders telling me to get the "best DVD of the year".

Did anyone even watch the movie?

It was, quite possibly, one of the most absurdidly awkward hour and a half of my life - and it wasn't even my life! It was watching this really horribly directed and lighted and casted movie unfold before me. I could feel myself shrinking as the movie progressed, hoping to somehow manifest through the floor and out the door so I wouldn't be seen watching it. It wasn't the worst movie I've seen, (that honor goes to Napolean Dynamite), but it was pretty bad.

Now then. I believe I am done. My next entry will be on Harry Potter. Yes, I know, I may wind up getting run over or shot at or even (heaven forbid) glared at, but I must voice my opinion on how Miss Rowling did such a wonderfully horrid job writing out her stories.

Isn't That the Point Anyway?

2009-03-20T01:07:00.002-04:00

As I come home from work, around eleven at night, I find my mom, still sitting up trying to find things for the wedding in less than two weeks. I sit up with her until midnight trying to offer advice, (what little I have) to help ease the situation. I give her a couple of sites online to look at in hopes that maybe, one of them will find something cheap that won't add more stress to my poor mom.

At one point, while looking at her, tired and worn out from the entire situation, I asked "What's the point of this anyway?"

She asked what I meant, and I said, "Well, isn't the whole point of this day we're gonna celebrate be all about Jon and Mallory wanting to spend the rest of their lives together? If that's the case, then why the heck does it matter that we've gotta have fifty dollar tablecloths?" She responded that with something like this, which I finished, "Yeah, appearance is everything."

This, among many other things I can point out, is what makes us as human beings, and Americans, stupid.

Why you ask? Because the whole day is gonna be about my brother finding someone he wants to grow old with - and her wanting to grow old with him! So why in God's name do we have to worry about making sure that we all look nice and that the tables look nice and that the flowers look nice and that the cake looks nice and that we look nice?? Why can't I just show up in blue jeans and a semi-dressy t-shirt? Why is it that if I did show up like that I would be shunned and looked down upon?? Because at a wedding a girl is supposed to be all pretty and have her hair made up and walk around in really uncomfortable high heeled shoes and wear a dress that is obscenely annoying to walk around in and look happy at all moments because at a wedding, girls don't have many options on behavior. You're either smiling because you're just "so happy for everyone", or you're crying because, "everyone cries at a wedding".

Psha. America is stupid. My brother and his lovely and wonderful fiancee should have just eloped. It would have saved a boatload of stress on everyone involved.

Me? If I ever get married, plan on having it on a mountain or in the middle of nowhere with my close friends and family and wearing either blue jeans and a t-shirt or a really freakin' simple dress. Nothing fancy - heck, it may even be something I've worn eight hundred times! But nothing big or crazy. So what if I get angry letters asking why so-and-so and what's-his-face didn't get invited? SUCK IT UP! Weddings are expensive! Not everyone has an endless wallet that only grows and never shrinks. And not everyone can pull one off with their sanity in tact.

My poor mom stays up all night and then gets up early for work and then comes home and worries and works more on this wedding. I feel helpless - which I am - and want nothing more but to smack everyone that says "appearance matters". It does, yes, but it shouldn't. I really, really shouldn't. This day, this coming April 4th is going to be a day my brother and his wife remember for the rest of their lives. So why should it matter what the table looked like or whether the flowers were real? Who cares?? They're happy!

Okay, my fingers hurt from typing so fast. I'm gonna end this rant here. Tune in tomorrow for a rant on Harry Potter and Twilight. That's right fans, I'm gonna obliterate those stories like nobodies business. Why? 'Cause I, like you, am entitled to an opinion.

Rewrite

2009-03-17T23:19:00.002-04:00

The next edition of my book needs to be written. Either that or I need to find a way to get in touch with people in hollywood to get the idea rolling. Because I just don't have enough time in the day to write it right now - dang it all.

Jon and Josh's birthday was today, which was fun. I was able to get off work, thankfully, to enjoy the family dinner and then attempting to go out bowling with the guys, Niki, Mallory, Rebecca, Kevin and Elissa. After bowling fell through, we went back home to go about playing a game that I was, basically, terrible at.

Next in line is Nancy, who turns 19 and has been accepted to college at Messiah college. Lord willing, I'll be accepted to Houghton and not be left behind. I think I'd be forced to move out or something in order to keep myself feeling at all the age I am.

This week is spring break, thank goodness. Which equates to me being given the opportunity to sleep a bit. Take tomorrow, for example, I plan on sleeping until nine and then writing - or trying to write - until noon. Eating lunch, then writing again until about four when mom and I will be going shopping for dresses for the wedding.

Yes, the wedding - in less than two weeks. Oh gosh, where'd the time go??

My brain feels like goo. Whenever I get an idea, I don't know, exactly, how to get it down on paper. I've been reading over notes my brother's have left me regarding the first draft of my book and I find it interesting - their comments anyway. Josh's are very uplifting, saying that I've got brilliant writing, some things are really good, while Jon was tearing the book apart. Josh did too, but in less harsh ways.

I find it intriguing. And refreshing, to know that they can be honest with me about my writing and my concepts. Granted, I am only twenty years old and it is my first shot at anything resembling a novel. I hope to anything that this book can be what I see in my head, but I don't know if it'll be what I keep praying for.

I've got some growing up to do first.

I've gotta get going. It's about time for bed. After - of course - watching Star Trek trailers to pass the time until May (Because it's so far away!).

For now, goodnight!

"College is like war. There are periods of complete and utter panic followed by a mass of time filled with tedium."

"So, radiation doesn't have a half life after all."
"It has a half a half a half life."

"Bananas are going extinct. Natural bananas. We eat too much apparently."
"But bananas will still be around right? It's not like in a couple of years I'll walk into a store and ask for banans and be told, 'sorry, they're extinct'."

"My dad is driving one mile an hour under the speed limit in protest of the liberals. He claims that driving that slow is the same as taking away liberals drugs, cappuccinos and abortions. I don't know how, but that's his logic."

"Guys keeping warm is God's way of getting women near them."

"A Swedish massage? They basically beat you up."

Fans. Horrid Fans

2009-03-11T01:39:00.003-04:00

As you know, I, am a nerd.

Currently, I am sitting on my computer, watching Star Trek, the original series, occasionally pausing it to watch trailers and interviews for Star Trek XI, coming out in less than two months. I read through blogs, comments on videos, and random sayings on the internet of fans regarding the new movie. Half are relatively open to the new movie by J.J. Abrams, (who, by the way, has never messed anything up), while the other half whine, complain and moan about how terrible it'll be.

Some fans then continue to go on about how any true fan would never watch this movie because it's nothing like the original series. Others go on to say that it's going to be nothing more than a flashy, CGI enhanced movie without any real plot or storyline. They say they'll boycott it by not going to see the movie, by not endorsing it in any fashion.

I want to grab through my computer and smack these people.

I understand; okay? I'm a fan too. Yes, it's not going to be the original series - that's impossible. No matter how much you wish it, it can't be done. But for the love of Christ, please, do not be ignorant and instead, be open to the idea of a new movie, a new take on an old and loved classic. The movie isn't even out yet! If you judge it before it's given the chance to fly, then how is it expected to be anything more than your preconceived ideas?

They'll go to the movie, watch it, and critique it as if they have any power over anything. People like that make me really frustrated. Who are they to condemn a movie? An idea? And upon walking out of this movie will claim it was just as bad as they said and they were right. Then they'll go on to claim that anyone that does like the movie was never a fan - not a true one.

What is a fan then? As fans, people to watch the show and fall in love with it's premise and characters, are we not supposed to be open to any road that the franchise may take us? To continue it and bring it into a new era? A new generation for others to fall in love with, as we once did?

I'd like to think that, as a fan, I should be open to any new movie, or premise, that may come along before I say it was terrible. You can never judge a movie based off of the trailer. It's impossible. I just went to see Watchmen and decided that it fell far shorter than the original graphic novel. But that's just me. Someone else out there will embrace it fully and say it's the best movie ever. Will I condemn the movie and make them feel inferior for liking it? No. That would be, above all things, childish.

This isn't a theory I have based solely off of the Star Trek fans, but the Stargate fans as well. As very few people outside of the Science Fiction universe know, Stargate Atlantis was canceled and instead, a new series is green lit and going to be continuing the franchise. And fans are saying the exact same things regarding Stargate Universe as they are Star Trek XI. What's worse is that Universe hasn't even got a trailer or spoiler to defend itself with! It's in preproduction. And already people are saying it will be the worst thing ever.

It's something that really gets me saddened when I see someone who claims to be a fan of a show their whole life blowing off it's evolution solely because it doesn't fit their idea of what it is. They are one out of a million fans, all of whom have very little control over the overall outcome. The only thing we can do, as fans, is to either make it as great as it could be, or let it drown. If most fans listen to those nay-sayers, and don't go to the movie, yes, it will sink, and quickly. But if we are open to it, it could be the greatest thing to happen to Star Trek in years. Leonard Nimoy and William Shatner have given this movie their blessing - perhaps you should too.

And what's with saying the casting was wrong?

Give them a chance. Give them as actors - who do this for a living - a chance to show you what they can do. Do not be blinded by your own ideals and say that they were wrong. If you do harbor ill feelings regarding the new movie, keep them to yourself until the movie actually comes out. Please, for the sake of those with hope.

*Sigh*

I write this as if someone will read it and say, "Yeah! I agree totally!", but I know that it will go unnoticed. I only wish people recognized what I wrote and took it to heart, but this blog is a speck among millions of others out on the internet.

So to those that did read this; give everything that happens to your favorite TV show a chance before shooting them down. If you truly are someone that lives and breathes a show, then you, as a fan, have a duty to allow it it's chances, and follow it.

But that's just me. Little ol' me.

Thoughts On Life and Death

2009-02-28T00:52:00.003-05:00

What is the purpose?

I pondered this question as I strolled into work today. As the rain began to fall on an abnormally warm day, I just began to wonder, in the grand scheme of things, what's the point? Why waste so much time, energy and overall stress on working at school, a job, getting money, etc, when in the end, none of it matters? I am going to die one day. I've accepted that fact and almost, in a way, welcome it. When I die, I'll go to heaven and live for eternity - so why work my butt off earning money that will not follow me into the real life I've been destined to lead?

These are the things I think about on a daily basis. I know; I'm kind of screwed up.

It's just that I don't understand the idea God's got behind me working so hard at school and spending all of my energies towards working so as to be able to pay off said school bills only to have it one day, ultimately, amount to nothing? I know this question will never be answered. I'll probably wonder about it endlessly until the day my heart decides to stop pumping blood into my brain. It's one of the things I can probably never, truly, grasp.

As a human being, I suppose we're just too stupid to understand our own purpose. Our own meaning behind our actions. Finding solace in the fact that God does is enough I guess. I'm just too stupid to admit that it is enough that He's got a better idea what's going on than I do.

As I've said in past entries, I really have come to enjoy TV shows like Bones, Heroes, and Fringe. As I watch these shows, I just have to wonder, do these people, that I sit down to watch on TV every week, ever grapple with the same questions I do? Do they ever contemplate their soul and what it means? Do they ever wonder what'll happen when they die?

I like to think that, eventually, the thought pops into people's heads where they think, "I'm gonna die one day. I wonder what'll happen". But the reality, I suppose, is that most people just don't care. They're content with the here and now and don't want to think too far ahead.

I just wonder how they survive like that.

"I have to poke you a couple of times first. And then when you didn't wake up, that's when I yelled Billy." "I'll just say, 'Hi, my name's Susan, and I'm a robot'." "Here's your new name tag." [holds up a piece of paper that says "Big Mouth] "Hey! Jack of all trades, master of none!" "Get happy." "Football players should not have their heads chopped off and continue to play." "How hard is it to write about yourself?"
"Oh, kajoodles!"
"So, apparently, three things all sound the same; trains, tornadoes, and a raging inferno."
"So what, it's the Father, the Son, and the Niece?"
"Who knows, maybe they [The Trinity] all have special names for one another. Maybe Jesus' special name is...Harry."
"Hey, God loves tone def people!"
"There's no brownie in this brownie."
"And then there's a song in between. It's like a good musical."
"A giant Jesus will come and stomp on people."
"It's only a lie if people believe what you say is the truth."
"Man, I wish I had footnotes."
"I just like how it says, 'the terrible wrath of God, who, by the way, lives forever and ever'."
"You'll love me dangit."
"I walk around and say, 'Hey Mac Daddy'! And no one knows what I'm talking about."

"It's the Devil's Bible?"
"It's the evil Bible."
"What, does it go 'muahaha' when you open it?"

"Everyone knows the song of Moses. In Heaven you kind of just know."
"Yeah, the worship leaders get their guitars and lead us in singing."
"It's kind of like in movies when everyone starts singing along - because they all know the words - and when the song ends everyone goes back to like, sweeping."

"It's the second book."
"That's the beginning."
"No, the beginning is Genesis. Hence the name."

"That's what causes people to commit suicide."
"Migranes?"

"Why do you think no one's allowed in the temple?"
"'Cause it's filled with smoke?"

That Accursed Borg Mentality

2009-02-17T13:40:00.002-05:00

Is it so much to ask for people to have their own, individual thoughts? Or must everything be a shared consciousness?

This, of course, is regarding people - customers specifically. I could be standing around, twittling my thumbs, waiting for something to do. Enjoying time to just think, maybe get some cleaning done. And then, out of the freakin' woodwork, everyone decides they need this, that and the other thing, all right now, right away. It's especially frustrating at Copy Center, and what can make it worse is when they all require different machines and time.

It's almost as if people are afraid of doing things alone. Even standing at a counter waiting for something. Everyone seems so terrified of making their own single decision, and would rather walk around aimlessly, waiting for someone else to make a decision and then follow it.

But beyond this, what drives me nuts about people is their inability to admit that they screwed up. Some customers I have to deal with, I'll do diagnostics on or a tune up that tells me I should do a data transfer or a reformat or virus removal, but then they'll say, 'no I can do it'. Then, a couple of weeks later, they'll come in, the computer's crashed, and then they yell at me.

I love it when customers tell me that their stupid moronic ability to not listen turns into me ruining their computer. Even at copy center we'll have jobs like this, where customers get angry at us because they didn't listen to our advice.

I don't get paid and come into work to lie to people. I really don't. I don't sell stuff to people in false senses of security just because I like to laugh about it later when I'm sitting in the break room. We're retail people. Me, my coworkers, my managers, we're trying to help people. But naturally, everyone, in today's society, is so worried about spending too much money that they can't listen to reason.

I wouldn't sell something I don't believe in.

*Sigh*

Anyway, what's new in my life? Absolutely nothing. I spend my time at work and school, sleep very little, and am on the verge of getting sick with whatever has circulated through the house. Next week I start a horse riding class, which I'm looking forward to, but I'm somewhat frustrated at my choice of class times. I'm barely going to have time to sleep. I know I'm going to have to put my book on hold.

That's what's frustrating. All I want to do is write my book, get it into another draft, and then eventually publish it. But I can't do that in school. Not while working thirty-five hours a week at Staples. It just doesn't seem viable. Or healthy.

I'm done for now. Gonna go watch Bones some more before going to work.

It's Been A While

2008-11-13T13:55:00.003-05:00

My life is relatively consistent. I've been spending a good deal of time watching the TV show "Heroes", which is essentially X-Men, but in a cool TV show. And the bad guy is immensely cooler. I guess I really watch the show for the character of Sylar. If you ever watch Heroes, I recommend not thinking too much.

I was reading reviews on imbd.com to see what some people thought of the show, and too many people aren't allowing themselves the ability to just sit and watch something unfold. To be taken away and swept away in a storyline. These people that hate the show all say the same things; 'the plots are too complicated', 'the characters are too predictable', 'they spend too much time with filler', etc. etc.

What do they expect? The writers and creators are trying to make it seem like a plausible, real world scenario. Lives occasionally get boring. Little mundaine things happen in everyones lives, and in the search to find the happy medium between 'always high adrenaline', and 'realistic storylines'.

But like I said, I'm mostly watching the show for Sylar. Some of the comments say that he only ever uses the one power that he stole, rather than using all of the powers he's taken. But what people need to remember is that Sylar's kind of screwed up. The reasoning behind his ability is that he wants to see how things work. It's not so much that he wants to use the abilities he takes, (he does, but it's not the main factor), he wants to know how their brain allows it to work. That's blatently obvious in season three, episode one.

But what do I know? I love fantasy and scifi stuff regardless of whether it's good or not. However, if Heroes lasts a while, which it definitely has the potential to, then I obviously was right about the show's ability to be amazing. Yes, there are some episodes that are boring as all get out, but every series has those episodes. I mean, Stargate, in it's ten seasons, had a good twenty or thirty episodes that were dull. It happens.

I enjoy the show. It's captivating. The backstories on the chracters are the best. There are occasions that I don't care for where they're taking the chracters, but I don't have any real influence against them. I'm just a viewer.

Anyway, I could go on and on about this show, for a number of reasons. But I guess I just thought it would be best to, instead, just kind of point out that every show has it's good and bads. And too often people don't allow themselves to get caught up in the mystery of a show. More likely than not, they continually say things like, "there's no logic". No duh! Logic flies out the window when you bring anything fantasy into the mix. Reality gets slightly skewed and most of the time, logic is gone. Sometimes it stays for a while, but normally, because we are human, and because the writers try to create characters that are believable and real, they allow them to get frustrated and make the wrong decisions.

Okay, now I'm done.

Oh, and by the way, the guy who plays Sylar is pretty much gorgeous. Like I said, the main reason I watch the show. He's got the best background and the actor is amazing at portraying him. It makes me smile. Good actors seem to be in short supply anymore.

Fall Is Almost Here

2008-09-17T23:02:00.003-04:00

Thank God for that. Summer is far too hot for too long. I would really love summer if it wasn't for the heat. Tonight on my fifteen minute break I walked outside and decided to spend the time sitting against the wall of Staples and just breathe for a while. It was really relaxing actually.

Soon the leaves will crunch, the air will be crisp, and I'll be able to see my breath as I walk down the street. And, best of all, I can start to wear long sleeved shirts. Don't ask me why, but there's something about having a really comfortable shirt covering my arms is just the most excellent feeling ever.

I was trying to kill time this morning between classes, so I drove up to Quakertown to take a look at the new Best Buy up at the Target shopping center. And I must say, it's much smaller than I had expected. And, I once again was ignored by every associate in the building. Okay, one guy smiled at me and said 'hi', but that was it. I walked the whole building and no one really said anything, let alone asking me if I was looking for anything specific. Which is completely consistent with every other Best Buy I've ever been in.

My hair is getting far too long. I feel the need to cut it all off again. Although through a good deal of thought, I've decided that I'm just going to go and get it layered sometime soon so I can later donate again to Locks of Love. It's just a thought, but I'd like to do it again...as much as I detest the idea of having long hair again.

I've discovered that I'm basically 2IC (second in command) in Tech at Staples. Amy mentioned that when Bill isn't there I'm in charge and then vice versa. Which is pretty dang cool. I guess it makes sense; we're the only two techs. I have the feeling that things may change if and when we get more techs in the building. Who knows? Amy was pretty dang happy when I offhandedly said that I may want to pursue a management position with Staples down the road. But that's just Amy. Like I said, who knows?

My mom is pretty well cool with whatever I do for the rest of my life. She seems to think that my strange...habits...are cool and considers them a gift. I don't get how she sees that, but hey, she doesn't think I'm a freak. That's what I was worried about.

My story is coming along. I'm on chapter eight. I'm thinking maybe two or three more chapters left. Yeah, I think some of the chapters will wind up being cut down, but it is just a first draft after all. I'm half excited and half terrified. It's the idea that having someone else read and criticize the work I've put all of myself into for the past year and a half is pretty scary. I don't want to fear it, but I do. I guess that's normal.

I'm back to recording quotes. I took a break for a while and now my lfie seems so dull. So I broke down and started keeping track again. I've laughed too much between then and now to let those moments disappear into the recess of my mind.

I miss hanging with him. Is that a problem? I think it is.

What I've Been Up To

2008-08-19T18:26:00.002-04:00

Absolutely nothing. Now, that's not to say that I haven't been working my tail off at Staples, but it goes to say that I've done next to nothing fun in the past...month?

Okay, okay, okay, so Nancy had some of her friends over and I laughed a bit. But it just made me feel lonely. I mean, I don't really have any friends anymore. It's rather pathetic really. I have acquaintances, yes, but no one that's like, ecstatic to see me and hang out with me. In fact, it seems to be that everyone I knew from high school, (with the exception of maybe, four people), has been perfectly fine blatantly ignoring me.

Yeah, about that random emo-depressive paragraph...sorry.

In other news, I, regretfully, am staying home for another semester. Then, God willing, I'll be able to transfer somewhere I actually want to be...maybe acquire a social life in the process.

Yeah, my life is rather dull. Sorry about that.

Maybe the next entry will be a bit more...entertaining? I don't know. I'm in a weird mood. And felt compelled to write. 'Cause that makes sense.

I really, truly, deeply, hate writers block. Why my mind comes alive at nightfall is beyond me. Curses.

OKAY! Enough. The next segment shall be how my mind set has been for the past couple of months and the countless hours and days and weeks I've been wanting to off myself from massive amounts of stress from working at Staples.
Example number one: "If I just keep working, maybe they'll give me a raise. I could use a raise. I could use more money. If I just save a bit more, stay at home and just do nothing and hope everyone I know is having fun, that'll make me feel a bit better knowing that they're having fun. That makes sense right? Yeah, it's not like I have to be with everyone forever...or all the time...yeah. It's fine. I'll just watch some TV."
Example number two: "Why am I bothering? Regardless, I'm still going to wind up being like, a trillion dollars in debt after school. I work my tail off, and still have to pay for my stupid car, and my stupid bills, and my stupid phone that no one calls me on. Why am I caring so much?"
Example number three: "AGH. What's the point? No one notices that I care, no one notices that I pray for them every night before I close my eyes to rest for the night. Why, oh why, must I harbor such unnecessary care for others?"
Example number four: "No one sees what I see. Why can't this stupid thing come together right?? Why can't I get one simple little thing like an idea to form into a coherent sentence so that some complete stranger can understand my thought process with all of this? Why am I stuck? Is this what I'm supposed to be doing? Should I be devoting so much time and energy to it? Is it worth it?"
Example number five: "My brain hurts."

This has been a moment in the mindset of a psychopath. Join us next week where we discuss my inability to hold a relatively close relationship with anyone without destroying it for no reason whatsoever other than to cause unrelenting pain and feelings of worthlessness.

If anyone actually read this, I'll give you a cookie the size of your head.

Where's The Goodness In The World?

2008-07-22T23:47:00.002-04:00

The wold is not justified, nor will it ever be. The good people get smacked around and abused while the bad are encouraged and cheered on. What's good is bad and bad is now good. When did this happen? When did we as humans decide to glorify cheating, stealing, lying, and the downright wrong? I feel as though it never was this crazy, this twisted, this corrupt.

I come home, my father struggles, I go to work, my coworkers struggle, I hang out with friends, my friends struggle, I talk with my sister, she struggles. They're all good people. They all do the right things, they're honest and true and just. They believe in goodness and love and happiness. Yet are harked upon and used and beaten until they don't want to fight anymore.

Today I wanted to scream out loud. Hearing that one of my friends found out her boyfriend she's living with is cheating on her. She's said enough's enough, but I don't get it one bit. She's a nice, caring, loving person. When was it decided that this jerk would think she not worthy of his attention and devotion that he would turn to another?

What does love mean anyway? Not as it should be meant, but as it is meant. It should be that when you say you love someone, that you are in love with someone, that it was true and deep and full of meaning. But somewhere along the lines, it's become this...dead word we throw into conversations to "show" someone we care. To "voice" our "love" for that person. We say "I love you" while laughing and joking around.

Would you take a bullet for every person you've said you love? Personally, I would. But I'm stupid, I believe in right not wrong and that there is a line between them. I'm the idiot that believes to spare another is to save a life and possibly allow it to grow and flourish. I'm the moron that would take a bullet for a stranger. And I mean that to the core of my being.

I suppose I'm just another person hoping that their voice will make a difference.

I'm so fed up with this planet and it's "justification" to things.

“If I find in myself a desire which no experience in the world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."

Decisions, Decisions...

2008-07-14T01:06:00.004-04:00

I am attempting to create my own business/networking cards. See, Staples has this lovely thing called the Business Card application over in Copy Center, and while messing around over there, I've decided that I'd like my own card. Mostly, it'll have a link to this website and my phone number and name. And the background a picture I took. Here's one of them:

I'm not entirely sure if I like these or not, I've made about six different designs each with a different picture I took or manipulated in some fashion. I've thrown around the idea of doing the Gallery in the Park this year (even though I'd have to pay for it), in hopes of possibly advertising my services. At the very least, let people know that I like to take pictures and that, if they wanted, I could make prints available...it's a thought.

Feedback is welcome. Very, very welcome. I can post more of the different layouts if you're interested :D. I would like some feedback on this. One of my managers said that I could basically print off some business cards and use it as an advertising bit for what Staples can do for our customers by means of our 'custom print' avenue.

I've also been toying with the idea of business as my major...possibly trying to get into the advertising industry...I think it'd be fun?

Who knows, I'm confusing myself more often than not.

The book isn't finished. I'm at a standstill in chapter seven...

I Obviously Don't Write Enough

2008-07-02T00:20:00.002-04:00

I used to. Something must have happened to make this 'writing' habit I had disappear. Could it be work perhaps?

It seems the most likely culprit.

I was standing at work - once again bored - and noticed how I dwell on things. I never really have considered myself a shy person, but I suppose I am. After seeing my coworkers and interacting with them over the past 11 months, I've discovered that I seem to have contracted a fear of really interacting with people. I guess it would have something to do with all of my close friends leaving when school time came around and me staying home with no one to talk to or hang out with.

I've been thinking about that a lot lately. Why I seem to get...nervous...around others. I've mentioned him before, Ryan, and how I always want to talk to him, but I seem to instantly second guess that urge. What's the point? It's like that's the first thing that pops into my head - why bother?

But I want to bother. I want to be okay with walking up to a coworker and saying, "Wanna go grab a bite to eat after work and hang out?" But for some reason my mind instantly rejects that notion - as if it were completely absurd.

It isn't absurd, is it? To crave interaction and knowing another human being? To want to delve past the every day monotony we've found ourselves in and find something beyond a body with a few sarcastic comments along the way?

As I stand around and watch my coworkers walk up to one another and just begin to laugh and instantly strike up a conversation with no timidness to it, I can't help but envy them. They're friends and for some reason...

It's like just about everything is right, but a few cogs are missing the slots. Like there's always something going to be missing for me, personally.

I guess I am just shy. I don't know where it came from, really. It seems to just have manifested itself recently and decided that it was time for me to worry about whether others liked me or not. For all I know, it may have something to do with a constant fear of rejection.

...

Now we're getting somewhere.

I really need to get out more.

Work Ethic

2008-05-23T23:03:00.003-04:00

Mine is terrible. I didn't used to be this way. Once upon a time I had the ability to sit down, complete a task, and then go into school the following day with a zeal to learn and talk about what I had completed the night before. Then I became a Sophomore and decided that homework and therefore school in general was pointless.

Bad habit to fall into.

Alas, there's little to be done of my terrible GPA at this moment. The semester is over and done. The only thing to do in hopes of saving it would be to try to scrounge up a course over the summer and possibly raise the aforementioned GPA to reasonable standards. (It's not completely horrid, but it's less than I would like to think I'm capable of).

In other news, a friend of the family passed away. The strange thing is, I once again could not find it within me to cry. Granted, the funeral is tomorrow and that very well may change, but upon finding out, just as with my grandmother and other friends of the family that I've known, I did not feel the need to cry. I cried at Graduation. I cried when I had to bury my cat. But when a human being died, leaving me until I die myself, I find that my emotions remain constant.

Unless they aren't a believer of Christ and God. Then I cry. But we won't get onto that topic now. If I start tooting that horn again many of you will immediately say, "Ooh no, not again". So as to avoid more droning on of topics of which no one is really interested in, I leave you with this:

Somewhere in life roads once traveled together separate and refuse to meet again. Because somewhere along the separate roads walked, the two friends realize that they have changed. And what's been changed can never be fully returned to what it was.

It's a sad reality when you discover that everyone you saw as a friend in high school leaves and never really comes back the same way they were.

Joy, The Look Of

2008-04-25T23:32:00.002-04:00

Joy: Noun; the emotion of great happiness.

What does that mean, exactly? Joy in and of itself is something that I think can't be explained by mere definition of another grouping of lesser words. "Happy" is so overused. What does "happy" mean? When I think happy, I think of laughter and giddiness. Joy, in my opinion, is something so much more so.

Joy is when you smile at the mere thought of something.

The other day at work my manager and I were talking about the spelling of Wednesday and whether it was Wednesday or Thursday. He then brought up his son, Sebastian, and how Sebastian always asks his dad if it's "windsday" - it's a cute little saying from a Winny the Pooh episode. Ryan, my manager, then went on to talk about how he was writing a small song based off of his son's constant question, "Daddy, is it windsday? Can we go fly a kite?"

I commented at how cute it was - beyond the fact that Ryan was writing a song based off of such a cute saying from his son - but because of how he smiled every time he thought about it.

His smile was the kind of smile that you cry at because of the joy and happiness that is conveyed within it. Joy is something that isn't as simple as 'the emotion of happiness', but an outward expression of true, deep emotion. Something beyond happiness. Saying that Joy is 'happiness' deadens the word. It makes it less magical; less meaningful. It adds a dead weight to a word that soars among others.

I never really had known what to attribute the word 'joy' to. Joy is something a parent feels when they've got a memory of their child locked away in their mind forever. Joy is something that a word can't be attributed to. Joy is pure bliss.

It's interesting how much we value words.

Pit Of Dread

2008-04-24T22:05:00.002-04:00

It cannot be explained. They almost never can. The omen that only you receive; that only you notice. The digging at your core that cannot be understood until the moment has already passed.

The day had been going quite well; nothing out of the ordinary or uncommon. Yet as I sat in traffic, waiting for the light to turn green so I could pull into the parking lot of work, belting out my voice to whatever was playing at that point, a twinge within me formed.

I wouldn't call it pain. I wouldn't call it terror or fear. It wasn't anxiety or happiness, nor was it anything akin to a feeling of euphoria or excitement.

It felt like dread.

The word dread is commonly attached to words like, 'fear' and 'anxiety', which I already said it felt unlike. Dread itself - the word that is - has a deeper, harder, more raw meaning or feeling behind it. It seems more powerful and more potent than 'fear'.

As the day passed, the feeling lingered. At times it subsided and let me laugh with my coworkers, yet it never really left. It was persistent of staying a deep pit within me. Whenever I thought that perhaps it was finally gone, it jumped back at me in surprise. Each time the feeling grew more powerful. By the time we were closing the store, my manager, who's become more of a friend than a coworker, told me he would be going camping this weekend - which is unusual. I'm not used to not seeing him. I told him to be careful - I felt like I had to. At a point I had said to myself, 'That's stupid, he'll be fine. Nothing's going to happen. You're just being paranoid'.

And then a feeling stronger than the dread erupted, combating that dread and was like a klaxon to my system. I had to tell him to be careful, that I was having this feeling inside of me. He laughed at first, asking if I thought that he was prone to getting in trouble and I told him that it was the feeling that told me that since I wouldn't be seeing him, I wanted to let him know to be safe. He said he would, and the bad feeling was probably karma - someone near me would be faced with their repercussions to past actions. I told all of my coworkers to be careful; I didn't want anyone to go without a warning. If that's what the feeling is that continues to linger within me is.

"Ever have a bad feeling about something?"

The Silent Observer

2008-04-17T22:57:00.002-04:00

I like people. I've stated this before. And recently, I've found myself either at work, or when I'm out with the family or with friends, that I people watch. I like to sit back and see people interact with others. Their actions, their quirks, the way they'll stare off into space and then suddenly come back to reality in a shock and quickly make it look as if they're doing something; hoping to the high heavens that no one saw them dazed and confused.

Today, bored and senseless at work, I was standing around, once again, waiting for customers to come to me - major issue with being a service desk person. Anyway, in waiting around with nothing to do and no magazines to read, (Staples has axed them from the planograms), I began to take interest in my fellow associates.

I noticed that my one manager enjoys staring at myself and the other girls when he thinks we aren't looking. I noticed that one of the girls will give one of the other guys a dirty look whenever his back is turned and then smile at him whenever he looks at her. I saw one of our tech guys get an exasperated look as he walked away from a customer after he had just been so nice and considerate to them a moment before. I noticed how people walk in the store. My manager walks with purpose and a little bounce in his step, while one of the merchandisers walks slow with his head down most of the time moping about something.

I saw how the new guy is full of himself and believes he's better than people that have been there for years. I saw how most of the people I work with look out the huge windows we have at the front of the building with looks of longing and hope on their face, as if they were caged birds waiting for the chance to fly away from their imprisonment.

People are interesting.

I like people.

Bubble Wrap

2008-04-03T23:55:00.002-04:00

What is it about bubble wrap? Seriously; it's like America's drug that doesn't have nasty side effects. You see an open container with bubble wrap and whatever was packaged inside of it is suddenly deterred to 'unimportant'. You scream, "Bubble wrap!", make a dive for the stuff, and then sit there for a few hours trying to pop every single bubble on the sheet.

It's also an amazing past time when one is bored at work. Like I was yesterday. One of the guys was opening cameras to go onto our display and one of them came packaged in bubble wrap. We had been having random little petty arguments over stupid stuff (just to help pass time), and he said, "Here's a present from me to you."

It occupied my time for the remainder of my shift. I would be standing there, staring off into space, and just popping bubbles. Customers would walk up and laugh at how it seemed to take all of my concentration to play with it. The only thing I could say was that it would be the same for just about anyone else handed bubble wrap.

It's like orange tic tacks. You have to eat them all; there's gotta be something inside of those little capsules that make them addictive. Because seriously, if you've got a package of them in your pocket at the beginning of the day, chances are, it'll be empty come the end of that day. I don't know why, but just about every person I've ever spoken to is the same as I am. It's like they're a strange little drug that don't really screw you up. I, however, have to buy them if they're on sale. Like they were a few weeks ago for fifty cents at Giant.

It's strange how our psyche works.

Apparently, I'm A Nerd

2008-03-11T22:36:00.001-04:00

And my coworkers are just figuring this out. Not only are they just discovering it, but a few of them are using it as yet another front to make fun of me on. Lovely. Why am I a nerd? I speak computer, can fix computers, I love scifi/fantasy stuff (which apparently makes me a bigger nerd than our tech geek), and relate just about everything to a movie or book.

Oh well, I happen to like being a nerd.

STARGATE: the ARK OF TRUTH came out today, and me - in my nerdy self - went to Circuit City when it opened and got one of the copies sitting on their shelf. WELL WORTH THE TWENTY BUCKS!

Now excuse me while I go watch it again :) I love being a nerd.

Choices

2008-03-01T00:05:00.002-05:00

The following is an idea I got while listening to music today driving back from Newtown irate. We'll see where it goes.

"Somewhere between life and death, there is a place where a select few are given choice. Within this place, they are shown one view of the lives of their loved ones after their death. They are then given a choice; continue on to death and save those of their beloved who die tragic deaths or, return back to living among them. They are not given the paths that the lives would take given they return to life, so the choice could be meaningless.

What would you choose?"

Like I said, it's just something small. Sort of like the idea I got a while back while listening to the Transformers score about "The Seer". It may become something, it may not. These are just some of the little ideas I get when I'm thinking while listening to music.

Oh how I wish I could understand myself.

I Detest Stupid People

2008-02-29T23:51:00.002-05:00

I cannot even begin to describe how angry I am right now. Not only have I wasted a good chunk of my life continually driving down to Newtown for a class that doesn't exist, but I've also had to endure not having the ability to work on Friday's because someone is an idiot!

AAGGH!!

I didn't get this blog to vent about how I detest the little curve balls that ruin my life, but I couldn't help myself tonight. I've driven down the Newtown three times on Fridays, thinking I had a class there, and then, low and behold, the person that transfered me into the class was a MORON and couldn't tell when the class was actually occurring. STUPID PEOPLE ARE EATING MY GAS MONEY AND MY TIME!!! AAAAGGGHHH!!!

That said, I love music. I stumbled upon the music from the "Planet Earth" series that aired on Discovery Channel and *love* it.

It's slow goings on my book, but apparently, Nancy wants to read it. Plus or minus, we'll see.

Sorry for the boring entry. Perhaps next time will be better.

Just Smile

2008-02-23T23:28:00.002-05:00

What is it about us that makes us push those people that we can tolerate and that, in turn, tolerate us? Why is it that when we get frustrated at someone, something, or a situation, the first place we look to let the anger/frustration out is the people nearest to us (both physically and emotionally). One minute you can be having a great time with someone and the next - because of a bad moment or what have you - you're ready to strangle the other person and can't stand them.

What's more is that grown people act like foolish little children and whine and complain that 'life isn't fair'. Here's a newsflash: the world doesn't justify itself. Good people don't always have good things happen to them and bad people don't always get what they deserve. To believe that is to live in denial and nothing more. So often we, as people, put on blinders to those around us and just drive forward in blatant disregard to others. Why must we torture those we laugh with by abusing them when we get angry?

I wonder if it has something to do with the hope, in the back of our minds, that those people that we scorn - the ones we love - will still love us after we've scorn and forsaken them. "We ignore the ones who love us and love the ones who ignore us". That's a quote from Luann; a good comic strip that occasionally has life lessons thrown in there.

"Why can't everyone just be nice? What's the point in being mean?"

That's something one of my coworkers asked me and I looked at her and said, "Because the world is made up of mean people that occasionally have good intentions and good people who occasionally have bad intentions. We all have mean capabilities within us, it's whether we choose to ignore them or obey them that makes us 'nice' or 'mean'."

"Badness is only spoiled goodness"; C.S. Lewis said that in Mere Christianity, and that's a very true and obvious statement. Yet it had to be said. Sometimes the truth - regardless of how obvious or harsh it may be - needs to be heard. It's our choice as to whether we open our ears to hear it.

I had another pondering while I was falling asleep last night, something that I thought about a lot last year during all my turmoil and random drama. "God only puts us through that which He knows we can handle. He never puts us through something we can't get through." I can't remember who said it, but it sticks in my mind. I keep it within me forever and never forget it. The trials we are put against are those that will build us up and make us stronger. Whether we let Satan win and succumb to the problem without a resolution or rise against it and conquer it is our choice. When all seems lost is the time when Hope is strongest.

Be a beacon in the darkness; if you see someone without a smile, give them yours.

Just smile. Everything's gonna be alright.

Hand Prints

2008-02-17T23:29:00.004-05:00

I was standing in church this evening down in the Youth Ministries area and noticed a mural on the wall (one of the many). It had a beautiful rendition of the world with a hand print and then a footprint with the versus of "We are His hands", "We are His feet". Anyway, as I stood listening to the speaker, my mind began to occasionally drift to the hand print so wonderfully portrayed on this wall. Eventually, I began to notice how nice a job the artist did to make it look as if a giant had in fact put his hand in paint and then put his huge hand print forever on the wall.

Have you ever looked at a hand print? One that's a perfect replica of yours, (either from paint, water, or what have you), and shows the little pressure areas? Think about your hand print; when you put your wet hand on a pavement, (or your painted hand on a piece of paper), you see a small space that originates from the small gap between the palm muscles, which eventually deviates to create a diamond-like shape in the center of the hand.

It's interesting, I thought, that our muscles and the basic pressure of our hands makes an almost perfect hole. More interesting still is the fact that, when a Christian thinks about it, our hand print is a constant reminder of Christ's sacrifice. His hands were pierced and when he came back, his testament to defeating death was for his disciples to feel the holes in his hands.

I don't know what brought about this sudden fascination with my hand, but I found myself looking at it for the remainder of the speech, not really paying attention. I feel bad about not fully conducting myself to the speaker, but I feel as if my mind wanders a bit too much anyway; at least my mind was in the right set - meaning that I was busy attributing a part of human anatomy that we use every day and yet don't even notice it's significance.

A random musing. Nothing more.

Think about it.

Single's Awareness Day

2008-02-14T23:29:00.002-05:00

I don't care what anyone says, that's all that this "holiday" is. It's a cheap way to show the world who has someone and who doesn't. It's not that I want to bring down people who are happily in a relationship or are happily married; what have you, it's more that I'm sick of American advertising shoving it down our throats that we absolutely must have someone in our lives. And if we don't, they make it seem like we're suddenly less than what everyone else is. Yes, as if our self-esteem isn't already shot, let's make it worse, shall we?

I said to my coworkers today that I was just bitter, so naturally I wouldn't want to say "Happy Valentine's Day". Every Valentine's day of my life I've been without a 'second half'. I tried not to let the day get to me, but in the past, I've always had friends to help me get through the fact that I was without someone. This year however, I'm alone. It's not that I like being a hermit, but that's what I've become. I live through work, school, and home. That is my life right now. Nothing more and nothing less.

I can't wait till I gain a social life again. As of right now, I don't have one. All of my social interactions are through work or school. And school I commute to, so I really don't get to know anyone. I just sort of see people and occasionally have someone to talk to. Lucky me, right?

I've been trying like crazy to not let this day get to me. Alas, I came to the realization that I do in fact like one of my coworkers, which makes me want to hurt myself. I really shouldn't like this guy, but I do. I keep having all of these reasons to not like him pop up, and I keep hoping that he might just be a crush, that it'll fade, but the more I think that, the less it seems to happen. The more I try to ignore or purposefully push aside any...pull (we'll call it that for now. I don't think it's a feeling or anything...or I'm living in denial), towards him. Yet with every day, I yearn to know him better and talk with him.

I'm rather pathetic.

Moving away from my horrid love live - or lack there of - we move into the terrible reality that is the fact that I love to write, yet find that the best time for me to do so, is in the middle of the night. Yes, I'm nocturnal; just like my dad. I knew that would be the case, yet continually tried to avoid it, but it's true. I work so much better at night than during the day. I love doing things during the day, but at night, I write and think best. I don't know why. I just...do.

Have you ever wanted so badly for something to happen? So much so that it consumes every part of your life? Yeah, that's the point I'm at; just wanting to have this something completed, come true - be reality. And every day it's not the case. I'm getting sick of waiting. But every time I start to think that way, I stop and say, "I suppose this is God's way of teaching me patience."

Or so I say to myself.

*Sigh* As for now. I say goodnight. I have school tomorrow followed directly by a six hour shift at work. Lucky me.

Humans are Fault-Ridden

2008-02-04T22:53:00.000-05:00

This was what consisted of my argument in Philosophy this evening. Amazingly enough; a lot of people began talking about it and questioning my view. One of the other women and I got into a long-winded talk about how some people are blind to their own faults yet are very quick to point out the faults in other people.

It's egotistical, to believe that you're perfect and blameless. No one is such; everyone has faults and screws up. To say you don't is denial and a flat out lie. If you truly believe that you're blameless and perfect, then you're screwed up in the head and need to come to terms with yourself and get over yourself.

One of the guys said that my statement was my point of view only and that some people don't believe that. Welcome to America; where being greedy and selfish is deemed okay. Why, I don't know, but it has been given grace to continue to exist in our society and breed at that.

The professor seemed impressed with the statement and my rhetoric against people who are blind and have tunnel vision on their life. I suppose that I'd do well as a philosopher - psychology, not so much.

I went out today and bought my own copy of the Chronicles of Narnia; I thought it was high time I had a copy to follow me through life. Considering that C.S. Lewis is one of my main heroes. Speaking of Narnia; Prince Caspian comes out in May: I'm psyched. I hope they make all seven books into movies; Disney's done a good job taking a great selection of stories and bringing them to life onto the screen.

I'm nocturnal; I work so much better at night than during the day. I wish that I didn't have a stupid paper route so I didn't have to worry about lack of sleep. I've discovered that I write best when otherwise alone and when it's dark out and there are no distractions...like dogs barking or traffic outside the window.

I Like People

2008-02-01T23:15:00.000-05:00

That isn't going to change any time soon; of that I'm sure. My coworkers continually tell me that I haven't been in the retail game long; give it a few more months and I'll be hating customers just as much as they do. I, however, after five (almost six) months of working at Staples, have not found a great dislike creeping up on me...yet.

I don't know if I would rather go with obscure, or blatantly obvious when it comes to the characters and my inspiration for their likeness being from direct people in my life that have effected me. We'll see how I choose to take it.

Finding myself bored, I chose to stop by the library and pick up the Chronicles of Narnia books; solely because it's been like...11 years since I read them and cannot for the life of me remember the events in half of them. The only one I really remember is The Lion, The Witch, And The Wardrobe; like everyone else.

Prince Caspian comes out in theaters this summer; that should prove to be quite a good movie. I look forward to it and can't wait to reread it soon. I just finished The Magicians Nephew and am going to start book 2 tomorrow. I love reading.

My life is almost like some awful screenplay that is continually revised.

So, Now That Death is Prementant and All...

2008-01-22T23:10:00.000-05:00

Heath Ledger died today. (Or last night; who knows really?) I didn't find out until about 8pm because I was at work; one of my managers got a text message from his wife telling him that one of his favorite actors was now dead. At first we thought it was a joke or something, then a customer overheard us and filled us in on what the world currently knew. And from there I say this:

People are always shocked when someone dies. Whether they knew the person personally or not, they feel some form of remorse and disbelief in the fact that someone's heart has decided to stop beating. I just wonder, why is that? We all will die some day, our bodies aren't made to last forever. Yes, they have become much more durable as time has gone on, but they still will decay and deteriorate. There's no stopping it. Yet we always get a punch in the face whenever someone informs us that another person has died.

How many people out there actually knew Heath Ledger-personally? Like, could walk up to him and have a normal conversation because you grew up with him or whatever? Not anywhere near as many as the hundreds of people who are already forming groups on Myspace and Facebook to commemorate his death. While yes, he was a great actor and I loved a good majority of the movies he was in, I find it hard for me to say that I 'loved him'. I think that, in this instance, we as people, should respect his family and friends enough to let them be the ones who loved him. Because they did.

We can mourn his passing and the fact that the world is now without another soul, but we should give him and his family the respect they deserve and let them be the ones to mourn. They are the ones who knew him best and will feel the vast expanse of emptiness over the next few weeks, months or even years at their loss.

Secondly, would you mourn the person you passed while you walked into your place of employment or schooling if you knew they passed away? Probably not; but why are we raising this one individual onto a pedestal? He was just like everyone else, a person living in this world. Yet we are ranking him in greater importance than that of the 'average joe' that we meet and greet with on a daily basis.

It's late, I had a much better idea for an entry during work today but wrote it in pencil so it wound up all smudged and illegible. Sorry if I offended anyone. (Not that anyone reads this).

High School

2008-01-19T23:41:00.000-05:00

This has next to nothing to do with the title, yet it seemed most appropriate to describe what it is I will say here.

We try so hard to fit in and find somewhere that "clicks". You know, that magical place where it just makes sense for you to be a part of that group, club, staff, etc. But until we find that great, mystical place, we wander aimlessly in hopes of finding the said location. And all the while we beg and plead for someone to accept us and take us in. We're like puppies shivering in the cold without a mother to protect us from the oncoming winter storm. And when someone (or that magical place) finally comes along, we follow blindly in the hope that our gut instinct is correct for this fraction of a moment.

It's sad that we have to try that hard to 'fit in'. Whereas, we really shouldn't have to try at all. Everyone already has something in common; we're human. On top of that, we all have hopes, fears, dreams and wants in life. There you have it, another thing in common. Yet we emphasize, (for no reason) stupid little things that must be similar or the same in yourself and another person before a friendship or even acquaintanceship can occur. We dress the same, eat the same things, like the same movie, etc. Yes, these are nice to have in strong, solid friendships, but necessary for basic interaction? No.

We judge everyone, regardless of who they are, well before we actually get to know them. Which is wrong; so wrong. We need to be accepting of one another for who we are. We're all people in a vast world and we all - social standards, ethnic backgrounds, intelligence levels and so on - feel as if we're lost within a sea of faces.

But who am I to say how we should treat one another? I'm just a nineteen year old cashier trying to get through her freshman year of college.

Unconditional Love

2008-01-16T23:37:00.000-05:00

All love is unconditional; or so we hope. Otherwise our love and the love of others would have conditions, restrictions, rules and regulations that make us or the other person in question love or love in return another person. Yet we seem to think that love has to be conditional; or much of the world does anyway. Unconditional love, something pure and blameless, is seemingly impossible.

But is it really? I don't think so. Loving everyone, regardless of who they are or where they came from, I believe is something true and possible of every person that walks on the earth. Granted, for some people, to love someone else is almost as if to ask them to sprout wings and fly away. To love like they've never been hurt before. But sometimes, that's where one has to find themselves. To regain the mentality and the knowledge and the ability to love another person.

Not necessarily in an intimate or romantic way, but to love and care about another human being - is that so much to ask? I believe it isn't. We all have the capacity to love and care about one another the same way as we would our family or our most dear of friends, yet we will sometimes treat strangers with blatant disregard and uncaring; then turn around and expect them to show kindness to us. Why is that? Why must we demand to be cared for yet have the audacity to say that we cannot care about another? I think we've become lazy as people. Not just in America, but all over the world.

I hate cell phones. I feel like it's the only way we could continue to divide our social interactions so deeply as it currently has. While I'm trying to ring someone up at Staples, I'm told that, to be at the top of my duties, I should try to carry a conversation with the customer. Yet if the said customer is yapping on their cell phone, they expect me to be able to read their mind. Know that they do indeed have a bonus card and that I should just whip it out for them and make sure the days purchase is acquired to their points. And then they proceed to become irate with me when I swipe their card and get past that section of the transaction so I cannot go back and suddenly, it's my fault. I try to remain calm and nice and friendly about it, but them blaming me for their inability to say "Can you hold on for a second?" to whomever they are currently speaking with so as to take the all of ten seconds to talk to me so I can get the important things out of the way so they can continue the conversation they were having in the first place.

Or, when I apologize to the customer for my "inability" to ask for their bonus card at the beginning of the transaction because, as a child, I was taught to never interrupt someone when they are having a conversation with someone else. I was told to wait until they were finished speaking before asking my question, the customer after them says, "Oh, they're just rude, you did nothing wrong."

If you think about it, we're a very rude culture. We step all over one another and expect someone to always help us, but never do we want to help another. We don't want to say thank you or please, it's just "Give me this now". And it's always now, it's never, 'in a moment', 'now'. As if to wait is to take away precious moments of existence that you would probably be spending in traffic or doing something else unsatisfying.

We praise Thoreau for his book, "Walden", and we quote him constantly on "Simplify, simplify, simplify" and to slow down life and to rush through our lives is to waste the life, yet we run through everything we do. Nothing can be done on it's time; in it's place. The horde of Visa Card users seem to trample us all and scream at anyone getting ready to use a check or pay by cash. We've become impatient and uncaring to one another.

It's sad. That we can't sit back and appreciate another person as such; another person. Another human being that has just as much to deal with as you do. We spend all of our time running over one another that we don't stop to look at the people we're running over. We step on people to get to the top and play and use people in the hopes of 'making it'. But is 'making it' really worth it? Does earning a five-hundred thousand dollar salary really matter if you've destroyed every friendship and social interaction you ever had to get to that point?

We need one another to survive. In order to maintain some form of mental sanity and physical well being, we need to interact and have some form of social connection with another person. Yet we treat people we don't even know like dirt. Heck, sometimes we treat our loved ones like dirt. Why is that? "You only hurt the ones you love"; it's sad, yet true. We do hurt the ones we love far more often then we do the ones we loathe.

This all said, I find it horrifying that my trying to love and care about every person that I come into contact with is considered, "unnatural". People stare at me like I'm crazy when I go out of my way to help someone or to say "I care about you", when I've only known the person for a few days or a few months. But what does that matter? Days, months, years? A person is a person is a person. They all have feelings and wishes and hopes and desires and dreams. Who am I to not care?

Sometimes all people need is someone there.

A Day In The Life

2008-01-14T22:15:00.000-05:00

I'm tired of always being the 'younger' person everywhere I go. It makes me feel as if I'm insignificant and unnecessary in conversations and things of the like. Which frustrates me. That; and being sick doesn't help with the current predicaments I find myself in.

Being 19 is awkward, but I know that turning 20 will only be so much more so; I won't be old enough to drink but, at the same time, I'll no longer be considered a 'teenager'. That label will leave me forever, never to return. It's almost like a cheesy, unimportant right of passage. The one everyone overlooks. The big date is when someone turns 21, that's when the said person has the ability and responsibility to drink alcohol legally.

That raises another question; why does it matter so much? I suppose a good deal of it goes towards our view as Americans, that we're already spoiled rotten and that the privilege to consume alcohol is, for some people, not viewed as such. It's more of a recreational activity more than anything. Which is almost disgusting. I pass bars all the time on the way to work and I always wonder if people really do spend a good deal of their time there, like Norm from "Cheers".

There are times where I wonder why I think the way I do. Just the other night one of my coworkers asked what I meant by me saying that my brain is wired completely opposite of everyone else's. What I mean by that is that I feel as if I'm one of the few people left on this planet (at the very least, within this country) with the capacity to care about other people. It's not that I see cruelty everywhere I turn, but I do see a lot of inconsideration and just non-caring by people every day. And it's all because they want someone else to hold their hand and do everything for them. Basic functions that people should be able to handle on a day to day basis it seems cannot be completed because they just plain don't want to perform the said application. It's downright disturbing that we as a nation have become that lazy.

And now for something completely different: I wish I could do more. I have met some people over the past five months that I really do care about more than I do the average Joe walking into the store, but they seem so lost and alone. I want to help them, but options are never presented - what's worse is they're well older than me. So me, a mere "teenager" can do so little (or so it seems) to help a struggling adult. There are thirty-something year old guys working at Staples and it's basically a dead end job for them. I hope and pray that this place I'm at is merely a part time employment; that I won't still be around cashiering ungrateful people five years from now. I hope that I'll move on to bigger and better things, but that hope can only provide me with so much. I suppose that ambition and drive will take me beyond hope will.

It's so cold. And it refuses to snow. Thus, we're left with nothing but a gray sky to welcome our day with bitter cold weather.